I don’t do long-term dreams. Not anymore. It is not a natural occurrence, I have to work hard to cut their wings as soon as they begin to fly too far away…but the exercise worth it. When I used to have long-term dreams, like life-time dreams, I thought differently. I’m not a dreamer now. Yes, ok, nothing wrong to dream about today…or, perhaps, tomorrow…or even the end of the week…but stop there if you don’t want to be disappointed. This is not the disillusioned me, this is me realistic.
As long as I can remember me, I had a dream to see the world, to experience its different realities. This didn’t happened until I had to get over years of various obstacles, starting from raising a child, getting stability financially and a freedom to move. And when I finally got to the point in time when this dream started come true…it wasn’t my fault, after all, yet it was MY dream. And now she’s been taken from me rather crudely.
I had another dream. I imagined my life spent with someone I love. That we’d grow old together. Not the dream of getting older, but the one of being in it with each other, for each other. I was condemned for this dream, was told off, was blamed that I’m not capable to live for today and only care about the grimmest things, like ageing, end of life…perhaps, this is true…or perhaps, in my sharing of this dream they didn’t want to see what that meant was – my dream of the future involved them in it…it was not I want to spend with you years, it was – always…till the end of time…through good and bad…but all they saw in it – my obsession with commitment…was it really that bad? It is ironic that after saying they don’t like the idea of spending the whole life with someone, they walked into another commitment straight away…
I’ve read on many divorce support sites that the second big wave of pain you will have to survive is when you’ll find out your ex remarried…Last pain to feel?.. Last bridge to cross?..I’m walking this bridge in numbness… not that I didn’t know about the other woman in his life…But we want to live in the fantasy that they loved us so much that no one could ever take our place…and while I can hardly think of not even replacement, but letting anyone closer…he jumps into another “till the time do us apart” relationship…makes me wonder what was wrong with ours...I also found it hard to accept the fact that he didn’t have guts to let me know…I understand that he doesn’t have to…yet from my side of the world I see how 23 years together didn’t mean a thing to him… Telling an ex about your remarriage is a courtesy that acknowledges your years of history together…and now it seems that I don’t have even that…as if I never met the father of my son…am I really unworthy even tiny bit of respect...bitterly I recall him saying to me, few months before he left for goods…I want us to stay friends…ironic, isn’t it?..I haven’t heard a word from him since he left in August…thinking in retrospective now, it is perhaps, for the better…
So I’m standing on this bridge…alone…watching river…it feels deadly cold…but I am giving myself a time to catch my breath back …before walking away from what was…
"If you stood on the bottom rail of a bridge, and leant over, and watched the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you would suddenly know everything that there is to be known...
and to the four winds I whisper: let it be my Last Bridge To Cross...
As long as I can remember me, I had a dream to see the world, to experience its different realities. This didn’t happened until I had to get over years of various obstacles, starting from raising a child, getting stability financially and a freedom to move. And when I finally got to the point in time when this dream started come true…it wasn’t my fault, after all, yet it was MY dream. And now she’s been taken from me rather crudely.
I had another dream. I imagined my life spent with someone I love. That we’d grow old together. Not the dream of getting older, but the one of being in it with each other, for each other. I was condemned for this dream, was told off, was blamed that I’m not capable to live for today and only care about the grimmest things, like ageing, end of life…perhaps, this is true…or perhaps, in my sharing of this dream they didn’t want to see what that meant was – my dream of the future involved them in it…it was not I want to spend with you years, it was – always…till the end of time…through good and bad…but all they saw in it – my obsession with commitment…was it really that bad? It is ironic that after saying they don’t like the idea of spending the whole life with someone, they walked into another commitment straight away…
I’ve read on many divorce support sites that the second big wave of pain you will have to survive is when you’ll find out your ex remarried…Last pain to feel?.. Last bridge to cross?..I’m walking this bridge in numbness… not that I didn’t know about the other woman in his life…But we want to live in the fantasy that they loved us so much that no one could ever take our place…and while I can hardly think of not even replacement, but letting anyone closer…he jumps into another “till the time do us apart” relationship…makes me wonder what was wrong with ours...I also found it hard to accept the fact that he didn’t have guts to let me know…I understand that he doesn’t have to…yet from my side of the world I see how 23 years together didn’t mean a thing to him… Telling an ex about your remarriage is a courtesy that acknowledges your years of history together…and now it seems that I don’t have even that…as if I never met the father of my son…am I really unworthy even tiny bit of respect...bitterly I recall him saying to me, few months before he left for goods…I want us to stay friends…ironic, isn’t it?..I haven’t heard a word from him since he left in August…thinking in retrospective now, it is perhaps, for the better…
So I’m standing on this bridge…alone…watching river…it feels deadly cold…but I am giving myself a time to catch my breath back …before walking away from what was…
"If you stood on the bottom rail of a bridge, and leant over, and watched the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you would suddenly know everything that there is to be known...
and to the four winds I whisper: let it be my Last Bridge To Cross...