It’s blue. Very blue today. I’m tired and somewhat “empty”…well, at least this is how it feels. Have turned to Daily Strength forums looking to distract my mind from the things that are a little bit too close to be comfortable. I’m giving myself permission for a break today. Allow mind not to think of particular problem I’ve been preoccupied very intensively lately. It made me totally exhausted and somewhat “blanked out”. A dead end. No further movement. Vacuum of Mind. So I went to the place which I knew would help to push me off the purpose for a little while and found what I was looking for. A thought of distraction, an idea to feed my mind to compensate a sour taste of the previous meal.
The discussion was about the places where you feel most safe and secure.
Different answers were given. The question made me think of my own “safe heaven”. As easy as it might seems at first look, I have difficulty to find it. Could it be that I still don’t have one? Could it be that I wherever I am, I cannot feel secure enough to let my guards down. I find it odd that even with myself I cannot pinpoint a definite place to go when I need to be myself for a moment. Yet along – with the others…I’m guarded. As I’ve always been. Regardless how silly it seemed to be guarded with some. Time proved I was right, yet I didn’t pay attention. Who is to blame and why there should be that feeling of “guilt” when it’s feels right and “nobody’s hurt”…Isolated. Though not in disturbing sense. It’s a choice. Perhaps, not the best one, yet it’s my choice. The less I share…the less it feels right to share anything at all…does it make sense? Maybe not. But in reality…never let yourself to put your guards down…not with anyone, not even with yourself…when you tell them your biggest fears, they will use the same trick to boo you when you least expect it…
…When you are not perfect, stop trying to be…
Every time when I crash into the barriers of the system, the walls ricochet me back into realisation of self-helplessness. And it doesn’t matter how long I’ve been living here and how well I’ve attuned into society or how much I’ve given in taxes, services or heart, when it is a system against me, I do not “belong”. It will always find a way to make me feel excluded. I’m different from everybody else and it’s not a bad thing.
Like a White Crow.
Explain White Crow?
When someone is not like everybody else.
You can rarely see White Crows…do you remember?...
Or Lonely Sheep.
Sheeps are not single either…bad example…I don’t know what’s got into me today…sometimes ghosts come back to haunt us just “for fun”…perhaps, it’s Halloween’s thing.
…I feel safe where I belong…