You know, how it happens sometimes: you climb the highest mountain, panting and sweating, it was a difficult climb and you made it. only to discover there is another one after this, even higher, so high you can't see its top yet...and although you feel good about what you've achieved so far, it is somehow also frustrating to see it is not the end and there is no reward waiting for you still...
I’ve been thinking…(one day I might just change the title of this diary to “Being Thinking”) anyway, I’ve been thinking about how they all say: learn to love yourself. And it’s good. Sure it is a good thing. And it is obviously better then the state of self-hatred or self-despise or else. However, I haven’t heard much about what’s next. I mean ok, you’d learn it, you start to see your best qualities, you nurture them, grow them more, you reach the point when in your own eyes you feel perfect…well, almost perfect, still…but it seems like this is it. This is The Ultimate Answer to happiness? This is what you have to achieve and once there, that’s it, you’re happy, as if by magic…I don’t seem to find any “manuals” on what to do next. ok, say, now I love myself enough to be at peace with who I am. That’s good, right? But do I feel happy? Somehow yes doesn’t seems like a natural answer…Yes, I know, growing is a constant work in progress, you never stop growing, blah blah blah…I’m not going to stop. I just reached the place when I feel good about being me. When I feel proud of some my virtues and accept some flaws in me. I feel balanced as a person. So…what now?...
I’ve been thinking…thinking more…being a little self-centered and selfish in some way sometimes I have these moments when, you know, I like me a bit more then at other times, when in my eyes I’m at my best…when I would like the others to notice that too, not to get more compliments, mind you, but it is that moment when, you know how you’d want be at your best with the others…so when you feel like you are at your best and there are no others to benefit from it…it kind of rather discouraging sometimes…a friend once said: we all want to be acknowledged., even if we won’t admit to it…It is the same for the opposite self-perception. Women will understand better what I’m talking about. Sometimes you’d think (or some would even say it aloud!) don’t look at me today, I feel ugly (or I have bad hair day, or else) you want to be your best when you are with others and hide when you feel being not adequate…So my thinking brings me to the point: even when you do love yourself, it does not automatically make you happy. It might make you at peace with your unhappiness, content with whatever you’ve managed to make of your life. But for being truly happy we do need something else…what is it?...
On a different subject of my daily reality...there is a guy in my dance class - I've noticed him coming for the last few classes. Seeing him is the most inspiring thing for me recently. He is a wheelchair user. And he dances. And note that the dance we do is a kind of rock-n-rollish style, and when all depends on a male partner's lead. if someone would tell me they saw wheelchaired ceroc dancer, i wouldn't believe them. yet I've seen it with my own eyes. and it was beautiful the way he dances. the girls would do all the routine spins and wiggles, while he's holding their hands, spinning in tune on his very much mobile chair...a m a z i n g...
the weather on the Island is too confusing. We are having premature summer here. I hope this doesn't means that we'll get other seasons sooner then it will be decent to have them. so it is hot in Kingdom and if this will last a bit longer, I'll stop seeing any point of going over the ocean to catch the sun in Algarve...*smile* but I trust British weather won't let me down and soon provide all necessary rainy motivation to fly away...
My university mates are getting together for 20 year's renunion - tomorrow. In Russia. And I'm - here. And I'm glad I did the school renunion last year. I've got mixed feelings about university's though. well, that's perhaps, all I have to say at the end of my weak. It was surprisingly ordinary week, without any overwhelming events or emotions. Which is good, I suppose. I know it is good. And next week I'll be busy changing my life in 3 days with Richard Bandler. God knows what else is there left in me to be changed, but it sure will be exciting experience. (and it's better be according to indecent amount of money it costs me!)
I’ve been thinking…(one day I might just change the title of this diary to “Being Thinking”) anyway, I’ve been thinking about how they all say: learn to love yourself. And it’s good. Sure it is a good thing. And it is obviously better then the state of self-hatred or self-despise or else. However, I haven’t heard much about what’s next. I mean ok, you’d learn it, you start to see your best qualities, you nurture them, grow them more, you reach the point when in your own eyes you feel perfect…well, almost perfect, still…but it seems like this is it. This is The Ultimate Answer to happiness? This is what you have to achieve and once there, that’s it, you’re happy, as if by magic…I don’t seem to find any “manuals” on what to do next. ok, say, now I love myself enough to be at peace with who I am. That’s good, right? But do I feel happy? Somehow yes doesn’t seems like a natural answer…Yes, I know, growing is a constant work in progress, you never stop growing, blah blah blah…I’m not going to stop. I just reached the place when I feel good about being me. When I feel proud of some my virtues and accept some flaws in me. I feel balanced as a person. So…what now?...
I’ve been thinking…thinking more…being a little self-centered and selfish in some way sometimes I have these moments when, you know, I like me a bit more then at other times, when in my eyes I’m at my best…when I would like the others to notice that too, not to get more compliments, mind you, but it is that moment when, you know how you’d want be at your best with the others…so when you feel like you are at your best and there are no others to benefit from it…it kind of rather discouraging sometimes…a friend once said: we all want to be acknowledged., even if we won’t admit to it…It is the same for the opposite self-perception. Women will understand better what I’m talking about. Sometimes you’d think (or some would even say it aloud!) don’t look at me today, I feel ugly (or I have bad hair day, or else) you want to be your best when you are with others and hide when you feel being not adequate…So my thinking brings me to the point: even when you do love yourself, it does not automatically make you happy. It might make you at peace with your unhappiness, content with whatever you’ve managed to make of your life. But for being truly happy we do need something else…what is it?...
On a different subject of my daily reality...there is a guy in my dance class - I've noticed him coming for the last few classes. Seeing him is the most inspiring thing for me recently. He is a wheelchair user. And he dances. And note that the dance we do is a kind of rock-n-rollish style, and when all depends on a male partner's lead. if someone would tell me they saw wheelchaired ceroc dancer, i wouldn't believe them. yet I've seen it with my own eyes. and it was beautiful the way he dances. the girls would do all the routine spins and wiggles, while he's holding their hands, spinning in tune on his very much mobile chair...a m a z i n g...
the weather on the Island is too confusing. We are having premature summer here. I hope this doesn't means that we'll get other seasons sooner then it will be decent to have them. so it is hot in Kingdom and if this will last a bit longer, I'll stop seeing any point of going over the ocean to catch the sun in Algarve...*smile* but I trust British weather won't let me down and soon provide all necessary rainy motivation to fly away...
My university mates are getting together for 20 year's renunion - tomorrow. In Russia. And I'm - here. And I'm glad I did the school renunion last year. I've got mixed feelings about university's though. well, that's perhaps, all I have to say at the end of my weak. It was surprisingly ordinary week, without any overwhelming events or emotions. Which is good, I suppose. I know it is good. And next week I'll be busy changing my life in 3 days with Richard Bandler. God knows what else is there left in me to be changed, but it sure will be exciting experience. (and it's better be according to indecent amount of money it costs me!)