Life’s strange teacher. She throws us a test first, then teaches us a lesson. How good you’ve learned is all in your actions. If you preach one thing and then go and do it differently, you might get where you need eventually, but your destination won’t inspire others. They will not follow. At some point I found myself stopped caring if there are any followers behind me...
I’ve been complaining about friends abandoned in my trying time. There are still some I never heard from since I’ve notified them of upcoming divorce. And I have this urge to put a dot on it now. This train departed. After more then a year, I probably won’t be sharing anything with them anymore. In every textbook, on every helpful site I’m being constantly persuaded to forgive friends who could be confused as much as I and cannot bring themselves to reach out. I’m constantly reminded of them feeling lost and not knowing what to do and how to approach me…I have to shrug my shoulders at that, I’m not convinced. I was confused much more then them, there is no way to compare their confusion and mine…they have no excuse in my eyes. I’m not forgiving. And I know that this is wrong. In time, perhaps, I will learn. But right now…I’m not there yet.
I’m being too strict with myself. I do not allow me to show I’m weak, I’m emotionally wrecked, I’m lonely and unhappy. Yet from time to time I am all these things. I just choose to have them all to myself. I do not need to share. And they say sharing a burden makes it lighter, but I look around and I see no place…each and everybody has their own burden, everyone carries load of their own personal issues. Some I would never trust with mine. Others I love too much to add my pain to their reality. It doesn’t mean that I’m content with having to deal with my shit on my own. But I have this hauntingly obsessive image of me as a strong woman and I don’t seem to be capable to forgive myself for being anything lesser then that.
I’m not forgiving in my relationships. My unforgiveness is the armour that protects me from further damage. I do not need to “work on it”, it doesn’t prevent me from moving on. I can still hate those who hurt me, yet manage to rebuild my life.
I want it simple. Complexity terrifies me now. Having spent almost a year in a state of limbo, making only the motions that were absolutely necessary to keep afloat, on my gradual return to the normal way of living I want to take it easy. Since it happened so that I had to start everything from scratch, I’m determined to keep an eye on the things spinning around me and keep them simple. I want it simple. I want to know what is expected of me and I want to let others know my expectations too. No emotions please, I’m divorced. Relax, you are not in it for a big surprise or for commitment trap. If sex is what I want from you, that’s what I say. Open and clear, I like it open and clear. And I like that you like it too, saves us from a long winding masochistic soul searching talks. And if you happened to carry a condom in your pocket, then I know, we both after the same thing. Nice and clear. Simple. You do not need to feel obliged. And no complications with third parties or different lifestyle. I do not wish to know. It is your business. And if it will start to interfere with my simple model of the world, you will have to put that condom back into your pocket. And let’s just dance instead, after all dance is what we came to do in the first place. And we agreed from the start to keep it simple. No, I don't hate men....I just prefer to enjoy them from emotional distance for now.
I’ve been called intimidating once. And heard this from different people few times afterwards. I like to be intimidating. It keeps people at a distance. This plays much better then to be soft and kind and compassionate. Oh, and – patient. How could I forget! Being detached is the best way to pass for a patient person – nobody gets to sneak behind the curtains to see the theatrical dramas going on behind the scenes. Intimidating and patient…two compliments from the people who saw right through me…
At the trying times…I close my eyes and take a deepest breath I can manage…and hold the air inside for as long as I can…and then exhale it slowly…and for the moment of air less I imagine my relationships simple...straight forward…honest…beautiful…perfect…a perfect bright picture, almost lost in the light…a shining light…a god’s kind hand, if you wish…when I hold my breath within me, everything else which is not included, falls off to the all sides, like peeled skin, leaving just the very core of what’s only important…I can imagine it so vividly, almost physical…I do not look down to the remnants of what has fallen off. It doesn’t matter what I loose, and frankly, it is better not to know, so that I won’t get trapped into regret…If I imagine this picture well enough, the breathing becomes easier…the ouch – less sore…no I’m not strong…and I’m scared of complexities…
I’ve been complaining about friends abandoned in my trying time. There are still some I never heard from since I’ve notified them of upcoming divorce. And I have this urge to put a dot on it now. This train departed. After more then a year, I probably won’t be sharing anything with them anymore. In every textbook, on every helpful site I’m being constantly persuaded to forgive friends who could be confused as much as I and cannot bring themselves to reach out. I’m constantly reminded of them feeling lost and not knowing what to do and how to approach me…I have to shrug my shoulders at that, I’m not convinced. I was confused much more then them, there is no way to compare their confusion and mine…they have no excuse in my eyes. I’m not forgiving. And I know that this is wrong. In time, perhaps, I will learn. But right now…I’m not there yet.
I’m being too strict with myself. I do not allow me to show I’m weak, I’m emotionally wrecked, I’m lonely and unhappy. Yet from time to time I am all these things. I just choose to have them all to myself. I do not need to share. And they say sharing a burden makes it lighter, but I look around and I see no place…each and everybody has their own burden, everyone carries load of their own personal issues. Some I would never trust with mine. Others I love too much to add my pain to their reality. It doesn’t mean that I’m content with having to deal with my shit on my own. But I have this hauntingly obsessive image of me as a strong woman and I don’t seem to be capable to forgive myself for being anything lesser then that.
I’m not forgiving in my relationships. My unforgiveness is the armour that protects me from further damage. I do not need to “work on it”, it doesn’t prevent me from moving on. I can still hate those who hurt me, yet manage to rebuild my life.
I want it simple. Complexity terrifies me now. Having spent almost a year in a state of limbo, making only the motions that were absolutely necessary to keep afloat, on my gradual return to the normal way of living I want to take it easy. Since it happened so that I had to start everything from scratch, I’m determined to keep an eye on the things spinning around me and keep them simple. I want it simple. I want to know what is expected of me and I want to let others know my expectations too. No emotions please, I’m divorced. Relax, you are not in it for a big surprise or for commitment trap. If sex is what I want from you, that’s what I say. Open and clear, I like it open and clear. And I like that you like it too, saves us from a long winding masochistic soul searching talks. And if you happened to carry a condom in your pocket, then I know, we both after the same thing. Nice and clear. Simple. You do not need to feel obliged. And no complications with third parties or different lifestyle. I do not wish to know. It is your business. And if it will start to interfere with my simple model of the world, you will have to put that condom back into your pocket. And let’s just dance instead, after all dance is what we came to do in the first place. And we agreed from the start to keep it simple. No, I don't hate men....I just prefer to enjoy them from emotional distance for now.
I’ve been called intimidating once. And heard this from different people few times afterwards. I like to be intimidating. It keeps people at a distance. This plays much better then to be soft and kind and compassionate. Oh, and – patient. How could I forget! Being detached is the best way to pass for a patient person – nobody gets to sneak behind the curtains to see the theatrical dramas going on behind the scenes. Intimidating and patient…two compliments from the people who saw right through me…
At the trying times…I close my eyes and take a deepest breath I can manage…and hold the air inside for as long as I can…and then exhale it slowly…and for the moment of air less I imagine my relationships simple...straight forward…honest…beautiful…perfect…a perfect bright picture, almost lost in the light…a shining light…a god’s kind hand, if you wish…when I hold my breath within me, everything else which is not included, falls off to the all sides, like peeled skin, leaving just the very core of what’s only important…I can imagine it so vividly, almost physical…I do not look down to the remnants of what has fallen off. It doesn’t matter what I loose, and frankly, it is better not to know, so that I won’t get trapped into regret…If I imagine this picture well enough, the breathing becomes easier…the ouch – less sore…no I’m not strong…and I’m scared of complexities…