I attended friend’s birthday last weekend…in the course of festivities I said my birthday wishes and one of them was to be happy…they responded that they already are, but they also wished back for me to find happiness too. I replied “but I am happy already”, I have no need for more of it. They objected with the suggestion that one can only be happy when found someone to share this happiness with. I do not remember how I steered out of this particular topic, but it made me think of it later. Did I tell them the truth? Am I really happy? Did I lie to maintain a happy spirit of their moment, as it was their birthday after all, not a therapy session. At first I felt a slightest guilt…it can’t be an honest answer, how can I tell I’m happy, when there is a daily challenge to stay emotionally balanced?! Then I’ve been thinking more…and realised that what I said was truth. I can be happy in a moment I am in. That is true. I do not feel the same all the time, but then the moments are fleeting in their nature and one cannot expect to ride the same one whole life through. So in a way I didn’t lie. And in some sense my life does wrap me in happiness from time to time…happiness seems to be more of an absolute. She is like the sun; always there, but sometimes we do not see her and do not feel the touch of her warm sunrays, obscured by the clouds. It is easy to believe that the sun will always be there, regardless whether we see it or not. You just have to learn to believe in happiness the same way.
I feel content lately…so much that sometimes it worries me. Not in bad sense, mind you. But in a sense that how is it possible to be content with so little left in my life compare to what used to be there. But it is true and despite of a wet moment here and there, most of my days bring a sense of peace. I even caught myself filtering out things that I perceive have potential to knock me off the fragile balance. I have become so picky in what I choose to let into my day. My days are now half-filled with active stuff. The rest I spend relaxed within the safety of my mind; it is the only place I am completely comfortable in. I suppose it is not a bad thing though. Life happens and we adjust the levels of our participation in it according to our comfort zones. I sure hope that if the more is needed, I will feel the push and will be forced to get out there and embrace what’s coming. But for now, it feels like I am running my life in energy-saving mode. Nothing over the top for me, thank you very much. It works the best for now.
I can have fun on my own. I don’t have to have another to share the joy. I’m confident that if I want to taste a thrill or bathe in enjoyment, I can click my fingers and do the magic easily. I’m not dependant on anyone for this sensation. Others are welcome to join and bring in their own joy, so that we can spin it twice as much. But generally no one have to. I have learned to take care of my own needs.
I read this somewhere: man can't get a woman any time he likes. But woman can. She can go down the street and get one any time. The difficulty is to get one that she wants. Funny as it is, it seems to be very close to the truth in my latest observations. I’m reminded of this often, watching men making huge efforts while women can just point their finger and they can have it in their bed. You never notice what’s going on around you until you pay attention. To prevent your wondering…myself, I am not yet interested in these games, I just find it amusing to watch.
The weak and the strong...this is one of those images that I'm struggling with... I've been playing super human for so long and so well, it has grown into me with all the responsibilities attached...it is a pain sometimes to fight within yourself between the wish to stay true to your reputation of being super...being strong and wise and the one who can handle almost anything...and the need to find a shelter, to find a shoulder, to cry and even at time to ask for help...every time when I feel I need help, I find it almost impossible to ask for it, as I cannot let another to see me being weak and needy…maybe, this is because I am not? It reminds me again of my favourite book – Interrupted Friendship by E.Voinich. There the main hero had to visit a warrior tribe somewhere in Amazon Jungles and try to make peace with them. He puts on tribe's scary war mask and off he goes to negotiate. On his successful return someone asks him: weren’t you afraid they might kill you? And he replied: that’s why it was useful to put on a mask of courageous warrior, so that nobody can see your face pale from the fear. The story inspires me. I like to wear my mask, the image of courage strokes my self-esteem in the most flattering ways.