I sat down to write something funny and the only funny thing that came to mind is the latest breaking news of my lodger moving out this weekend…I can’t really blame them for giving such a short notice, I have been a lousy landlady, I didn’t raise the rent over the last half-year, I didn’t involved them in clearing the house, I waited for them a month before they could move in in the first place, I took them to the hospital when they weren’t well, I didn’t say a word watching how my room being converted into a waste hip, I let them use all the facilities in the house and never said a word when they forgot to lock the front door or left the lights switched on overnight or few times didn’t shut the fridge door which overheated the fridge…or when for half a year in the mornings I had to wipe the table after them before making my own breakfast…sure I was a very mean landlady and do not deserve a notice enough to find another lodger so that I won’t loose out on the rent…as if I don’t have enough things to worry about already…ok, that was a rant that doesn’t really mean much to me. Just because the news happened to come right before I wanted to sit down and write something in my diary…of course, this is not the worst thing happened to me and it might all be for the better anyway…I might get a few weeks to have my whole house to myself again. That can’t be bad, right? I can walk around naked and drop off the garments of my clothing everywhere where I feel like it, can I now?
I’ve spent couple of days at home in a bed, but all for the wrong reasons, just being sick, but had all the time I needed to turn all the various thoughts over and over again…damn if only it would’ve been possible to switch off your thinking on demand...I found an amusing thought that “entertained” me for half a day or so…isn’t it kind of strange that when my ex was leaving our marriage, surely it was because he didn’t feel it was good or he didn’t feel good in it, you would’ve thought that if one has negative experience with something this will put them off from trying it again…yet he jumped into another one straight away…and then I didn’t have any complaints about my married life and now no force will pull me into the this trap again…how weird, eh? Should’ve been totally opposite reaction, isn’t it?
I stopped making plans. Totally. Full stop. I don’t want even think about next week, nor about any other dates in future…that is too far away to my comfort…this year it is higher education anniversary – it will be 20 years since my University graduation and my classmates arranging reunion contacted me about it…gee, how can I know if I will be able to come or not if it is like gazillion of light years ahead – it’s in June! In the past this would irritate me to no extend when somebody won’t be able to commit till the last moment…and now I’m the one…how ironic…I wonder what else is there for me to change in my attitude to life…
I’ve been feeling unhappy with myself recently. I mean – usual female self-esteem issue…I think, it is seasonal… I look in the mirror and nothing I see makes me smile only sniff scornfully…I winged about it and have been told off that I just use it as an excuse not to dip my toes in the social waters…perhaps it is true…gee, I need somebody to kick my sorry ass out there all the time, how pathetic is that…leave me alone, I need a break…
Yeah, I am the best *grin* somehow it doesn’t sound convincing enough… well, that’s just sounds like uncomfortable flattery. I’m “the best”…isn’t it ironic? “she is the best – and that’s exactly why life throws all the shit at her to deal with, she’ll be all right, she’s the best anyway”
Gee, what is wrong with me?! Can’t slip out of sarcastic patch now…though I suppose this is better then being stuck in the pessimistic one though.
I’ve spent couple of days at home in a bed, but all for the wrong reasons, just being sick, but had all the time I needed to turn all the various thoughts over and over again…damn if only it would’ve been possible to switch off your thinking on demand...I found an amusing thought that “entertained” me for half a day or so…isn’t it kind of strange that when my ex was leaving our marriage, surely it was because he didn’t feel it was good or he didn’t feel good in it, you would’ve thought that if one has negative experience with something this will put them off from trying it again…yet he jumped into another one straight away…and then I didn’t have any complaints about my married life and now no force will pull me into the this trap again…how weird, eh? Should’ve been totally opposite reaction, isn’t it?
I stopped making plans. Totally. Full stop. I don’t want even think about next week, nor about any other dates in future…that is too far away to my comfort…this year it is higher education anniversary – it will be 20 years since my University graduation and my classmates arranging reunion contacted me about it…gee, how can I know if I will be able to come or not if it is like gazillion of light years ahead – it’s in June! In the past this would irritate me to no extend when somebody won’t be able to commit till the last moment…and now I’m the one…how ironic…I wonder what else is there for me to change in my attitude to life…
I’ve been feeling unhappy with myself recently. I mean – usual female self-esteem issue…I think, it is seasonal… I look in the mirror and nothing I see makes me smile only sniff scornfully…I winged about it and have been told off that I just use it as an excuse not to dip my toes in the social waters…perhaps it is true…gee, I need somebody to kick my sorry ass out there all the time, how pathetic is that…leave me alone, I need a break…
Yeah, I am the best *grin* somehow it doesn’t sound convincing enough… well, that’s just sounds like uncomfortable flattery. I’m “the best”…isn’t it ironic? “she is the best – and that’s exactly why life throws all the shit at her to deal with, she’ll be all right, she’s the best anyway”
Gee, what is wrong with me?! Can’t slip out of sarcastic patch now…though I suppose this is better then being stuck in the pessimistic one though.