My mom said to me: you seems to bring a disaster wherever you go…ha ha…not funny…it seems like only yesterday we’ve been on Madeira and it was a magical journey (I do remember, I forgot to write a travel tale about it…something to be added on todo list then) I read the news of the poor island and see the pictures of disaster and recognise the places we’ve been just a moment away…so sad…these people have only tourist industry to survive by…and now it is in ruins…I contacted the hotel where we stayed on Madeira, as I was worried. Thankfully they replied they are all right and family is not affected. Relieved…
I returned to England after the snow-white Russia and guess what – next morning we had…snow here! Just my luck, eh? It is not a global warming; it is a global freezing, indeed. Or maybe it is me going around, bringing storms on my tail…
Sitting in the traffic this morning, I’ve been thinking of the me-time and me-space…I seem to be lacking those lately. All the time attending somebody else’s needs… I did all I can and still came short of. Once, while I was away in Russia, a thought came to my mind about becoming immune to the emotions, about loosing the sense of compassion and become indifferent to another’s needs. I feel that strong need to grow a hardened heart. I’m tired being soft. Selfish people live happier. I feel the need to shut the door to the emotional. Can I be a stone please.
I come across this quote and liked it today:
What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
I am tired from being entangled in reality and isolated in a dream. All the little things screaming into my ears deafening with their demands: do this, do that, don’t delay, don’t just sit there, do something…I feel overwhelmed by the urgent needs…but, hey, isn’t it the human nature – to see own troubles through the magnifying glass of self-perspective… and when I do have that piece of distortion in my eyes, I tend to say to myself someone somewhere is bound to be worse then me, my worries are just an excuses I invented to feel pity about myself…and I say to myself shut the fuck up and stop whining…it usually works after few fuck ups…