Carried over
OK, so this is the place where mental blocks happened. Or is it - writer's blocks? The ones when you want to bang your head on the wall repeatedly and think that would help to release the plug. I’m having hard time trying to write in diary. And amusingly enough, this is not because I have nothing to write about, but opposite, because I’ve got so many thoughts I’d like to type in, that they all scattered around in my head, intermingled and have made it totally impossible to concentrate on one at a time and make a sense out of the mess…I thought that weekend would give me opportunity to sit, relax and express accordingly. Yet I have found myself on a verge of anxiety and helplessness. How could it be, I wonder? I am not stressed, nor am I hurt by no one, I’m not upset over no thing and I’m not overwhelmed by any kind of chores to do…I am just having this little argument with self every time I attempt to write an entry in DD. It goes like this:
I - “so, you wanna sit down and write an entry now, don’t you?”
Me – “yep, I’ve got a lot I wanted to write this week, but I have no longer the luxury of spare time during the working week”
I- “what are you going to write about then?”
Me – “well…I don’t know…”
They are still there, all those wonderful ideas, brilliant expressions, wise quotes…but somehow as soon as I’m just about to capture them, immediately they dispersed like mischievous kids and hide in all the corners they can find…and the more I delay taming them, the more anxious I become that I will never ever be able to say what I really want to say anymore…Maybe there were no thoughts at all?! Maybe it is my imagination; I’m having a delusion that I have some ideas? I don’t know…it just feels as if I am unable to find that single thread to pull to begin to unreel the tangled clew…That, of course, “perfectly explains” why I’ve wasted all this time to write all the above, doesn’t it? So, if I won’t make it all today that will mean that all that wishful thinking has been carried over to some future times…
My Take
~Evolved from what was supposed to be a comment~
It is all about giving and receiving. I am sure there should be a scientific theory about chemical processes that happens when we are happy. Something like baker's dough effect: you mixed all the right ingredients, keep them lukewarm, very soon you’ll get rich expanded mass and yummy buns to feed everyone. Have you noticed how when you feel happy yourself, you have this urge to share your happiness with others? It is a natural tendency, I believe. Not to give away the surplus, but to use what you have to feed the world. There should be a chain reaction somewhere…a smile gets a smile in response and many more smiles in all directions. Eventually you realise that by sharing out your happiness you’re not lessen by one piece of it, but just making more space for more happiness to come. Now here is an interesting question: if someone’s smile, a compliment or expressed empathy can raise a level of our happiness, and those someones got their smile passed on from someone else as well, where is the source of all those smiles then? To give to another a little gift of happiness, you don’t necessary need to receive it first from somewhere else, don’t you? Your happiness should be found within yourself. Expecting it from elsewhere is like limiting her sources. Sure people do like sympathy and compliments and sure those things and many other make us happier. But why can’t we just look around, notice beautiful things that surround us in everyday’s life (they are there, regardless what we could think, but they truly are!) and find the reason to be happy just by ourselves, without expectations that someone else will come and make us happy? Do I like compliments? Sure I do. Do I wish to be recognised for the person I am? You bet I do! Can I still find reason to smile if neither of these happens? I am learning and I have reasons to believe, I’m learning it well. It is not that hard, once you get the hang of it. And the feeling of being independent from external endowments helps to build that self-confidence, that we all so wish we’d have.
*For some strange reasons once I wrote all the above, I've come up with another idea about my so called "block". I wonder, how do you prioritise things you find the most exciting? Are you the one who prefer to do all less interesting tasks first, get them out of the way, then – dedicate all the time to the most exciting ones? Or would you rather do what’s most interesting first? Say, when you come into your house and there is a letter from your dearest friend and it’s a thick letter, which means, you are in for a real treat of communication. But at the same time you have few urgent things to do…I don’t know, like – feed the cat, cook dinner, give a call to insurance company…in such situation, would you still open letter first and delay all your house chores until you’ve read the letter quickly? Or would you concentrate on doing everything you need to do quickly, then read a letter at your pace, knowing that you can have all the time you’ll need for the pleasure? I’m the person who would do antijamming first, so that there will be nothing to hinder me when I will finally get to the things I love. Sometimes this backfires me as there could be no end for little annoyances and I end up having no energy for the main thing. I suspect, this is what has happened with my thoughts recently. I’ve been roaming around, procrastinating, putting aside most precious thoughts for the later…eventually, I’ve got carried away from them completely…isn’t it an interesting theory?
And the last question (but not the least!): why it is always happens like this that even if you'd have a good sleep on weekend, the last night before next week you'd stay later again and so you'll start your Monday in underslept mode again...yet again!
OK, I'm done for tonight.
OK, so this is the place where mental blocks happened. Or is it - writer's blocks? The ones when you want to bang your head on the wall repeatedly and think that would help to release the plug. I’m having hard time trying to write in diary. And amusingly enough, this is not because I have nothing to write about, but opposite, because I’ve got so many thoughts I’d like to type in, that they all scattered around in my head, intermingled and have made it totally impossible to concentrate on one at a time and make a sense out of the mess…I thought that weekend would give me opportunity to sit, relax and express accordingly. Yet I have found myself on a verge of anxiety and helplessness. How could it be, I wonder? I am not stressed, nor am I hurt by no one, I’m not upset over no thing and I’m not overwhelmed by any kind of chores to do…I am just having this little argument with self every time I attempt to write an entry in DD. It goes like this:
I - “so, you wanna sit down and write an entry now, don’t you?”
Me – “yep, I’ve got a lot I wanted to write this week, but I have no longer the luxury of spare time during the working week”
I- “what are you going to write about then?”
Me – “well…I don’t know…”
They are still there, all those wonderful ideas, brilliant expressions, wise quotes…but somehow as soon as I’m just about to capture them, immediately they dispersed like mischievous kids and hide in all the corners they can find…and the more I delay taming them, the more anxious I become that I will never ever be able to say what I really want to say anymore…Maybe there were no thoughts at all?! Maybe it is my imagination; I’m having a delusion that I have some ideas? I don’t know…it just feels as if I am unable to find that single thread to pull to begin to unreel the tangled clew…That, of course, “perfectly explains” why I’ve wasted all this time to write all the above, doesn’t it? So, if I won’t make it all today that will mean that all that wishful thinking has been carried over to some future times…
My Take
~Evolved from what was supposed to be a comment~
It is all about giving and receiving. I am sure there should be a scientific theory about chemical processes that happens when we are happy. Something like baker's dough effect: you mixed all the right ingredients, keep them lukewarm, very soon you’ll get rich expanded mass and yummy buns to feed everyone. Have you noticed how when you feel happy yourself, you have this urge to share your happiness with others? It is a natural tendency, I believe. Not to give away the surplus, but to use what you have to feed the world. There should be a chain reaction somewhere…a smile gets a smile in response and many more smiles in all directions. Eventually you realise that by sharing out your happiness you’re not lessen by one piece of it, but just making more space for more happiness to come. Now here is an interesting question: if someone’s smile, a compliment or expressed empathy can raise a level of our happiness, and those someones got their smile passed on from someone else as well, where is the source of all those smiles then? To give to another a little gift of happiness, you don’t necessary need to receive it first from somewhere else, don’t you? Your happiness should be found within yourself. Expecting it from elsewhere is like limiting her sources. Sure people do like sympathy and compliments and sure those things and many other make us happier. But why can’t we just look around, notice beautiful things that surround us in everyday’s life (they are there, regardless what we could think, but they truly are!) and find the reason to be happy just by ourselves, without expectations that someone else will come and make us happy? Do I like compliments? Sure I do. Do I wish to be recognised for the person I am? You bet I do! Can I still find reason to smile if neither of these happens? I am learning and I have reasons to believe, I’m learning it well. It is not that hard, once you get the hang of it. And the feeling of being independent from external endowments helps to build that self-confidence, that we all so wish we’d have.
*For some strange reasons once I wrote all the above, I've come up with another idea about my so called "block". I wonder, how do you prioritise things you find the most exciting? Are you the one who prefer to do all less interesting tasks first, get them out of the way, then – dedicate all the time to the most exciting ones? Or would you rather do what’s most interesting first? Say, when you come into your house and there is a letter from your dearest friend and it’s a thick letter, which means, you are in for a real treat of communication. But at the same time you have few urgent things to do…I don’t know, like – feed the cat, cook dinner, give a call to insurance company…in such situation, would you still open letter first and delay all your house chores until you’ve read the letter quickly? Or would you concentrate on doing everything you need to do quickly, then read a letter at your pace, knowing that you can have all the time you’ll need for the pleasure? I’m the person who would do antijamming first, so that there will be nothing to hinder me when I will finally get to the things I love. Sometimes this backfires me as there could be no end for little annoyances and I end up having no energy for the main thing. I suspect, this is what has happened with my thoughts recently. I’ve been roaming around, procrastinating, putting aside most precious thoughts for the later…eventually, I’ve got carried away from them completely…isn’t it an interesting theory?
And the last question (but not the least!): why it is always happens like this that even if you'd have a good sleep on weekend, the last night before next week you'd stay later again and so you'll start your Monday in underslept mode again...yet again!
OK, I'm done for tonight.