Oh the strangest things we do when we have to turn our heart inside out in coping with the happenings in our life…simplest things that used to come effortlessly before now experienced as a challenge…sometimes a hard challenge…it used to be so easy to be above those who are not worthy, easy to ignore them and ignore whatever they do to bring you down. It used to slip off me because those people had no value in my life therefore not worthy of my thoughts. Yes, sometimes they managed to upset me and affect my self-esteem, but never permanently. Pushing the scoundrels away off my mind was a task I was getting better and better at. And now I’m finding myself fighting to stay true to me, sobbing at night in helplessness, gripping a pillow so hard it hurts my palms in attempts to be strong and resist temptation to fight for my integrity, to kick them back...kick real hard, till their nose bleed and their eyes bruised…well, not really, but oh what a picture that might be! Doing this will be loosing the real me, degrading me to their own lowest level, level which allows them to spit into my face just because they enjoy the feeling that they can. How one can be so swollen with pride of their own sin so that they display it openly as their blessing?..I wonder what makes someone instead of hiding the sin to make a show of it? I feel sorry for my husband to get grabbed by such an egocentric woman – she shamelessly displays him as her trophy without waiting until he will be hers. But since he loves her, I suppose, he’s okay with this.
I have a right to be mad…I have a right to be insanely angry...I have a right to protect my heart from further hurt because the one I counted on this doesn’t do it anymore…I found myself trying hard not to digress into a cheap reprisal and the fact that I ever thought of one worries me. It makes me feel uncomfortable about the person I’m becoming because I despise vindictive people. I’m not that much upset of what she does and how she does it, let it be between her and her consciousness. But it is so painful when the person who claims to love me still, cannot protect me when others hurt me too… The sad thing is…he either do not care about me or incapable to stand against his other woman’s ego. Neither helps him to grow as a person…
It was not my fault that he is going, yet somehow I’m the one who gets constantly punished for this and the guilty one celebrates their guilt. I have a right to expect if not to be treated with decency, but at least an understanding that there is no need to be more cruel then they already are. I’m having a real struggle with myself and it is about preserving self-worthiness. If I degrade to their level, I will hate myself…I might have lost a husband but why do I have to loose that what makes me proud about me!?.. I am wise and I am kind and I am understanding. It doesn’t come easy, but I do my best and I think I do it well. That doesn’t mean my pains can be ignored just because I “will forgive anyway”…I have no one to protect me anymore and I have to learn to stand up for myself.
If you think that it is easy to be civil about separation just by following the rule of “if you love it, let it go”, think again. It takes so much effort, I could never imagine...Sometimes I feel like being taken out of my skin, remoulded vigorously, bended in physiologically impossible angles, skewed in all the uncomfortable ways…surprise, surprise I am still alive and from time to time I can even say with a grin-to-be-smile “it’s not a big deal” and “I can do it”…it would’ve been much easier to walk this path if every time I managed to stand up, I won't get stabbed in my back once more…
I have a right to be mad…I have a right to be insanely angry...I have a right to protect my heart from further hurt because the one I counted on this doesn’t do it anymore…I found myself trying hard not to digress into a cheap reprisal and the fact that I ever thought of one worries me. It makes me feel uncomfortable about the person I’m becoming because I despise vindictive people. I’m not that much upset of what she does and how she does it, let it be between her and her consciousness. But it is so painful when the person who claims to love me still, cannot protect me when others hurt me too… The sad thing is…he either do not care about me or incapable to stand against his other woman’s ego. Neither helps him to grow as a person…
It was not my fault that he is going, yet somehow I’m the one who gets constantly punished for this and the guilty one celebrates their guilt. I have a right to expect if not to be treated with decency, but at least an understanding that there is no need to be more cruel then they already are. I’m having a real struggle with myself and it is about preserving self-worthiness. If I degrade to their level, I will hate myself…I might have lost a husband but why do I have to loose that what makes me proud about me!?.. I am wise and I am kind and I am understanding. It doesn’t come easy, but I do my best and I think I do it well. That doesn’t mean my pains can be ignored just because I “will forgive anyway”…I have no one to protect me anymore and I have to learn to stand up for myself.
If you think that it is easy to be civil about separation just by following the rule of “if you love it, let it go”, think again. It takes so much effort, I could never imagine...Sometimes I feel like being taken out of my skin, remoulded vigorously, bended in physiologically impossible angles, skewed in all the uncomfortable ways…surprise, surprise I am still alive and from time to time I can even say with a grin-to-be-smile “it’s not a big deal” and “I can do it”…it would’ve been much easier to walk this path if every time I managed to stand up, I won't get stabbed in my back once more…