I thought, I’ve already moved on…a sort of mental balance was achieved…so I thought…yesterday there was a Christmas Lights Parade in my town and I went because I go every year and because I love it every time I go and because the joy and cheer rub onto me so easily when I’m in the happy crowd…I did want to go not because I know I should really get myself out more, but I went because I wanted to, because it was my favourite Christmas time activity – Christmas fairs…things changed, unfortunatelly I haven’t noticed how…The fair was still the same - joy and laughter, happy people, all smiling, enjoying time, music and fancy rides...I went to the fair in anticipation of excitement and good time and instead a gulp of sadness almost left me with no air to breath, I had to turn away from the street and run for cover…almost literally…the tear levees got broken and I’ve been fighting with the flood since that moment…it truly feels as if there wasn’t all that hard work on getting back to “normal”, as if the peace I’ve reached with such an effort has been no more then a temporary truce between mind and heart and it is now being breached, ironically by the most joyful holiday season of the year…
I thought I passed that road mark already. That I’m on the road of finding new traditions, new ways, new joys…but how come that things I used to like I cannot take with me into my future...I underestimated the impact of all that happened. Naively believed those promises from experienced people and professionals that all will be well and by all standards I am supposed to move on long ago…for some time I thought I did…but all that bullshit about being in charge for what you feel doesn’t make sense anymore, for MIND knows exactly what needs to be done, but simply incapable to do it…immobilized…I cannot move…
I still exist though…still do all that needs to be done in daily routine. I’m okay. I do my best. In every sense. I suppose occasional snap off the balance should be expected and learned to be dealt with as a casual inconvenience. But boy, am I not fed up with all this crap already?!
Oh, and as for the skirtish title...it comes from one of life’s practical jokes…recently I’ve received some odd “compliments” at my last dance class. I’ve been “supposedly complimented” (?) by not one, but three men I’ve been dancing with on the same subject of…my skirt…each of them mentioned how my skirt looks so great when I swirl… Huh?!!! I checked it at home – it swirls quite decently, mind you, nothing revealed of what should be kept private…but somehow it seems to distract my dance partners and they tend to forget what they were doing…now, if it is a compliment, indeed and not an excuse for forgetting the moves, I must admit, it is a rather odd one, is it not? And it was kind of cute at first, then on the third time of “oh what am I doing next sorry looking at your skirt swirling I’ve got distracted” I laughed and asked maybe I should take it off to facilitate the dance routine…so yeah, apparently it was my skirt not me to get all the compliments that night…I’m not sure whether to laugh or to brood about it…
I thought I passed that road mark already. That I’m on the road of finding new traditions, new ways, new joys…but how come that things I used to like I cannot take with me into my future...I underestimated the impact of all that happened. Naively believed those promises from experienced people and professionals that all will be well and by all standards I am supposed to move on long ago…for some time I thought I did…but all that bullshit about being in charge for what you feel doesn’t make sense anymore, for MIND knows exactly what needs to be done, but simply incapable to do it…immobilized…I cannot move…
I still exist though…still do all that needs to be done in daily routine. I’m okay. I do my best. In every sense. I suppose occasional snap off the balance should be expected and learned to be dealt with as a casual inconvenience. But boy, am I not fed up with all this crap already?!
Oh, and as for the skirtish title...it comes from one of life’s practical jokes…recently I’ve received some odd “compliments” at my last dance class. I’ve been “supposedly complimented” (?) by not one, but three men I’ve been dancing with on the same subject of…my skirt…each of them mentioned how my skirt looks so great when I swirl… Huh?!!! I checked it at home – it swirls quite decently, mind you, nothing revealed of what should be kept private…but somehow it seems to distract my dance partners and they tend to forget what they were doing…now, if it is a compliment, indeed and not an excuse for forgetting the moves, I must admit, it is a rather odd one, is it not? And it was kind of cute at first, then on the third time of “oh what am I doing next sorry looking at your skirt swirling I’ve got distracted” I laughed and asked maybe I should take it off to facilitate the dance routine…so yeah, apparently it was my skirt not me to get all the compliments that night…I’m not sure whether to laugh or to brood about it…