I felt a knife that was left in my heart has been twisted around…Then I saw blood spilled out into the huge pool on a floor…
I wanted to say so many things, but instead I went back in time to remember…and I REMEMBERED EVERYTHING…suddenly it was there – a truth, that was cowardly hiding inside my mind…the truth that I’ve tried to suppress, not to let out in the open…I think, I always knew…and never wanted to surrender to the fact…
I’ve asked one more time and this time I’ve got my answer…Needless to say that the time has been picked up very carefully to the moment, when I’m oh so weak with another loss…as if they knew!
A Pain…A Tribute in another place…A Howl of Despair here…I just want to lie down into that bloody pool and stay still for a time…and let you people watch my humiliation. What’s left from a Great Believer – pile of ashes…My confession to the Inquisition of self: GUILTY. I WAS WRONG. I REPENT.
Cynicism…Never been good in it…But really got to learn for it’s the only mask that left for grabs…I don’t want any comments this time…throw some rotten fruits at me for a bad performance…for trying to persuade you that there is nothing BIGGER then friendship...for lying…throw some stones…let me be a masochist…Cynicism…never answer to the problems…still – I am laughing at myself….
I had a Premonition once, only failed to take notice:
23 Sep 2003 - Friends and Friendship
Sometimes its so unbearable – to see your friends going…Sometimes its – giving up on emotions. Like – you see them going and you do nothing, coz you KNOW. You know this – as soon as you’d start to do anything about it – things are only gonna get worse. So you do nothing and you end up being left alone, as you always wished, only it’s not a good feeling any more…
Why I am always the only one to try to clear up things? Why I want more then others can give? I keep reminding myself – let it be, as it is. And I keep forgetting to do so in any relevant moment.
To elucidate the relationships is too much of a work to be done, not everyone prepared to face it. Or, perhaps, to face not the work, as such, but – the responsibility for its consequences. Either way – not worth making an effort, as results could be unpredictable.
There are people, who just can’t “live a life” – they always need to “get to the point”. Sad to admit – I might be one of them. OK, so – there it is – the “moment of truth” (once again, as many times before that): I ‘m totally incapable to keep friends. I could be as much "friendly", as they want me to be, but there will be always one moment, when I’ll get “over the top”, and that’s when friends leave me. Could friendship be “more then needed” at all?
The frightening thing is – I still can’t figure out what do I do wrong! But I want to make a point here: you may not be able to stand up a decent face-to-face and to make your points, instead of running away from them. You may not be willing to admit – something‘s wrong. This could make you feel good about yourself, as you pretend you “not concerned”. But it surely makes someone on the other end to feel like a complete worthless waste of breath… And that’s not good for self-esteem, you know…
I don’t think, there is anything else to say here. Friendship is complete bullshit, ladies and gentlemen...hmmmmmm...yes...