Randoms From The Weekend
Mon May 17 2010

The biggest problem of any self-esteem manual is that it applies the medicine to the individual separately from the surroundings. Yes, it is possible to teach one to think high of themself, yes, one can learn to love themself, yes, one can re-evaluate self-worth and raise the standards…in the real world it is still other people who define who deserves what. I can assign to myself all the great qualities I like, consider myself oh so wonderful and even be realistic as much as it is possible. I know exactly where I’m good and what I deserve for being this good. However, it is entirely on the mercy of the others if I should get it or not. No matter how faithfully we believe in good intentions, the raw facts speak louder. You can think of yourself being as great as you are, but the truth is, if you are not great enough in another’s eyes, then what’s the real value of your self- worth. Isn’t it just a false self-perception? Even my favourite bible-for-everyday, NLP, only teaches to ignore what’s outside your control and take care of your own reactions to it. But I can keep turning the blind eye to the obvious, it changes nothing. Can you really be happy with yourself and not happy in general or is such happiness is just a fake…

The Kid has quit his job. In about a month time he’s leaving for the journey of his lifetime. He dreamt of it for a long time, worked hard to make it happened, saved money, learned language. He is obsessed with Japan. He feels he is ready for it now. And he wants to make the most of it. He is quitting his job because he wants to take his travel at comfortable pace. He’ll be there for 3 months. Then he shall be looking for another job and surprisingly enough, has already got an offer he can consider at a later time. Makes sense. I’m happy for him, that he has these opportunities and not afraid to use them. Way before he’ll settle down with a job, family, home…I wish him to meet friendly people in his travels and I wish he won’t be disappointed in the land of his dreams. But then I know that he won’t be. When it comes to travelling, he is same minded as I am. He goes places with the intention to take on the best of them and he does. Makes me feel proud for my son.

Sunday was a day of family connections. Lots of skype-talks, paying homage to my relatives' love. Suddenly they all wanted a piece of me. Time paid for having big family, although loving family. Can’t hold that against them, can I? I have to admit, since The Change I have become too withdrawn, and now am easily annoyed by the impertinent curiosity, even good intended. The is no reason why I do not tell everyone about everything, I just don’t. Live with it. My parents pouts “you didn’t tell us you’ve been dancing for two years!” errrr…why would it matter? The loving auntie insists to tell if there are any “news” in my “personal” life and offers useful advices on how to find a satisfying relationship. I know they all mean well, I just don’t appreciate others constantly expecting something from me. Having been in a totally satisfying relationship with vibrator for more then a year, I found any other variations of the “personal” life to be too much of a bother. Wouldn’t it be selfish!? *laughs* But I cannot possibly tell that to my prudish auntie, can I? So I have to make an effort to take her attention off the topic…I do love my family, but some “pep-talks” are just too much. I sighed and thought that I haven’t noticed how I’ve become so enclosed into my own world, now it has become an effort to get "out there"…’tis all part of a change, isn’t it? so it must be for the better…

It is a famous saying about people coming into our life for a reason…we learn our lessons from some and teach the lessons to the others…who to know for sure which ones have cross our path for what…perhaps, we both were meant to change each other, we only have to figure out in what way. But as it was rightly said: we would not know until we are over, standing at the end of a line, looking at our life in perspective…

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