It doesn’t feel like a mood swing, although some might see it this way from outside. But it sure does feel different when every time after the outburst of confidence and strength, the wave will ebb back into the more calm state of mind. Not necessary the extreme of the low, just a reasonable balanced perception of the world around me. Not freakishly cheerful, nor devastatingly sad. Reflective, perhaps?
I haven’t stayed on my favourite support site as a member, but still every now and then I would peek over there …I found that even now it really helps. Not the advises, not the specialist’s opinions, not even the hugs and emotional support people of the forums give so sincerely, while being wounded just as much if not worse, much worse…what truly helps in my trying times is to know you are normal, the assurance that what you’re going through emotionally is what many many others go through as well, to learn that it is perfectly natural to feel inadequate, abandoned, needy, tearful or unreasonable sometimes. I can testify that to know you are not unique in your challenge really helps to take it easier. And this is perhaps, the most important mission of support forums. I honestly do not know where I would be now if not have this light of sanity showing me my place in my journey every time I feel lost…
No longer my friends feel obliged to be sympathetic to me. They see no need for extra care. They see me as recovered almost fully and I’m glad they do, for even I am getting tired of chronically unhappy perception of me…I am as I once was…yet I’m different…People say 'You are doing so well', then I would be, say, travelling home from work & sometimes it is a nice journey in a company of my music, just like it used to be, like at times when drive home used to be my favourite part of a day…and some other times it is like a big black cloud hanging over me. And I feel guilty for not being strong enough to enjoy myself at these times. And when I have this urge to whisper to myself please remind me that it gets better, please remind me that this will not hurt forever and please remind me that I am much better off alone…I know where to go to hear all that I need…I page through the Daily Strength forums. And reconnect with the sense of adequacy again…
It doesn’t help me not to feel so alone. But it gives me hope. Hope that I will survive yet another alone-time just fine. And next time it comes again, I will survive that too. A rare case of where it is better for self-esteem not to be unique, not to stand out of the crowd. Knowing that so many others are “unique” in exactly the same way helps to re-align with your own “normality” again. A paradox.
I haven’t stayed on my favourite support site as a member, but still every now and then I would peek over there …I found that even now it really helps. Not the advises, not the specialist’s opinions, not even the hugs and emotional support people of the forums give so sincerely, while being wounded just as much if not worse, much worse…what truly helps in my trying times is to know you are normal, the assurance that what you’re going through emotionally is what many many others go through as well, to learn that it is perfectly natural to feel inadequate, abandoned, needy, tearful or unreasonable sometimes. I can testify that to know you are not unique in your challenge really helps to take it easier. And this is perhaps, the most important mission of support forums. I honestly do not know where I would be now if not have this light of sanity showing me my place in my journey every time I feel lost…
No longer my friends feel obliged to be sympathetic to me. They see no need for extra care. They see me as recovered almost fully and I’m glad they do, for even I am getting tired of chronically unhappy perception of me…I am as I once was…yet I’m different…People say 'You are doing so well', then I would be, say, travelling home from work & sometimes it is a nice journey in a company of my music, just like it used to be, like at times when drive home used to be my favourite part of a day…and some other times it is like a big black cloud hanging over me. And I feel guilty for not being strong enough to enjoy myself at these times. And when I have this urge to whisper to myself please remind me that it gets better, please remind me that this will not hurt forever and please remind me that I am much better off alone…I know where to go to hear all that I need…I page through the Daily Strength forums. And reconnect with the sense of adequacy again…
It doesn’t help me not to feel so alone. But it gives me hope. Hope that I will survive yet another alone-time just fine. And next time it comes again, I will survive that too. A rare case of where it is better for self-esteem not to be unique, not to stand out of the crowd. Knowing that so many others are “unique” in exactly the same way helps to re-align with your own “normality” again. A paradox.