This is how it works. I talk to different people and in the process I keep discovering something about myself.
I was talking to my classmate and she said something like "I don't know what I need to have to feel happy". That made me think of the "happiness conditions". Generally it is assumed that to be happy we need “to have” something. That the possession is what makes the happiness. When I heard her saying this, I stopped and asked myself the same question and to my surprise discovered that I also do not know what is it I have to have to feel totally blissfully happy. I was quite pleased with this actually. How it would've been so limiting to know your "ceiling" – what if you’ll get it and then what? You’ll be happy ever after? Surely there isn’t such thing, huh? I cannot say I feel happy. Yet I do not feel unhappy either. It’s a balanced sense of content. With myself, with my place, with my job, with everything that is a part of my life nowadays. Could it be that happiness is overrated definition of what appears to be much simpler and mundane? Or, perhaps, happiness is not a “general” state to be achieved, but rather a short-lived moments of overwhelmingly good feelings on a permanent background of general feeling of content?
Talking to somebody else some other time made me aware of our ability to be sensible and reasonable and wise and eloquent…but only when it is about someone else. When it is our own life that we try to straighten up, to inspire, to lead the way, we are suddenly weak and stupid and illogical. I found it weird that I see the issues of others easy solvable yet I cannot find the exit from my own funky moments.
The Kid said that I’ve become “slow”. Meaning I am no longer as energetic, easy-going, “lets do it” person as I used to be. I do take my time, it is true. Mind you not because I’m incapable, but because I am un concerned. Things are not as important to me as they used to be in the past. As I typed these words, I stopped to think if I do have anything that is The Most Important to me. Something that would make me to drop everything else, if needed. The Kid is important to me, yes. But he is able and I’m not a provider. I have nothing else I truly do care as much though. I guess it’s a good thing, a somewhat sense of “freedom from responsibilities”. Hmmm…
What we are is defined by us and us only. What we are not is also our own choice. I’d say why waste time wondering what you are not. What would you do with the knowledge of it. Sometimes people also say they do not know what they are. And I’d ask why do you want to know? We are something for someone and nothing for someone else all the time. Personally I don’t mind people having various definitions of me. I believe I am all these things they think I am. A collective perception is what I am. No more, no less. So if someone from this collective crowd misses a piece or two, it is ok, as there will be somebody else with the missing links in their hands.