End of the year…guess, it is time to say something. Something. There, I said it. Nah, it would’ve been silly if I would come here to say just that.
It is really not a good idea to summarise the year at its end. Still it is what we do. My year hasn’t been as I imagined it would be. Last December I made a wish on a thousand falling stars when I celebrated New Year with Madeira’s famous firework. None of my wishes came true. In fact, it came strangely opposite of what I wished for. Figures, fake stars – fake wishes. Yet another fairy tale uncovered. Fairy tales have that annoying habit of revealing their true self just when you’d start to believe in them.
You know, how you’d have a particular tale that you feel somehow related to in your reality, the one that is closer to your heart then any other. For many years my favourite fairy tale was Cinderella Story. A cinder girl for life, a princess for an hour. Time changes and of course it changes tales it brings to life. Or, perhaps, we simply grow out of one into another. I am no longer pulled by the tale of pumpkin carriages. The transition wasn’t sudden, I felt how it was absorbing me gradually. My new tale.
Empty, vast, and cold were the halls... The flickering flame of the northern lights could be plainly seen, whether they rose high or low in the heavens, from every part of the castle. In the midst of its empty, endless hall of snow was a frozen lake, broken on its surface into a thousand forms; each piece resembled another, from being in itself perfect as a work of art, the lake that called “The Mirror of Reason”…
A bit like the end of my year, empty, vast and cold. And beautifully perfect in its white silence. I can swear I can feel the frozen grip inside my heart, almost physical sensation. Of course, it is only a tale, but who said fairy tales are not our ultimate reality. I’m not sure why all this talk about tales, when I came here to make a year 2010 to be a memory. Sometimes if you don't watch out, the words just slip away and then you just have to go with the flow.
This year wasn’t anything particular special. Few struggles where I can claim a victory. Few changes work-wise, all came down to the better after all, despite my initial resentment. Few emotional issues I was capable to put behind me. Usual stuff they call – life. Yet there isn’t that sense of accomplishment, sense that I achieved something, in life, in relationships, friendships, anywhere. There is no sense of purpose, no sense of growing wise, only of growing old. But then – maybe I am.
So to sum it up, my year of 2010 was one of those years, where you are glad it’s over not because it put too much pressure on you, but because it didn’t put enough to get you moving. It lacked the inspiration. Of any kind. So at the end of this year my wish is for the next one to come different.