- What do you want, Mickey?
- I want you to love me
- Ok. I love you…
Silly Mickey Mouse cartoon with silly characters. There are certain things we never ask for. Simply because it is not something to be produced as of a magical trick off your sleeve. I cannot say I “never”, because it won’t be true, but in my life I rarely ask for anything. And I do my best not to have wants. I spell them into wishes, into dreams into “would’ve been nices”. I only want what I am given. A strange idea at first glance. But think of it. We are only given what we deserve in the eyes of others. Sometimes I might have different opinion on what exactly do I deserve. That doesn’t mean I have to go out there and get it, fight for it, beg for it or steal it. When my self-evaluation differs with how others valued me, that tells me one of us is wrong. It doesn’t tell me – go and make them to change theirs. Everyone is entitled to have their own views of me. A year ago I would torture myself to death with the questions of Why. Why they did this to me, why I am not loved, why I deserved this, what’s wrong with me and etc…I since have grown up from this. I don’t ask why I’m not getting what I think I should have. I believe that I do. And I believe that I will. and with time I might even get something that I always thought I deserve. But even then I don’t want anything another is not willing to give. I remember how ex said to me once: you never bothered to fight for me, you think I’m not worth it. And I replied: I can beg you to stay or force you to stay but I can’t make you love me and without your love, I don’t want to have you, even if I think you are worthy. He didn’t understand. All I ever want is what they would give me without an effort. Not for the sake of being kind or being polite or obliged to return a good gesture. But because they would think this is what I want her to have. I don’t need a lot. Only as much as you wish to give.
It is never the words that give me a hint of my worth. It is actions. And when he said I love you and then walked away, his love became cheap. It made me cheap in my own eyes. I don’t need to be told I’m loved, it means little to me now. I believe if I ever will be loved, I will know it without words, I will feel it and experience it in my every day and every minute…Perhaps, I am naïve…
I’ve adjusted my relationships model to accommodate my new needs. I want it simple. You either want to be in relationship with me or you don’t. For once we both have the same wish, we can work out any occasional issue between us. Few months ago I used to have a friend. A chat buddy, we shared quite a lot of common interests and were getting on well. Once when we talk, something insignificant happened and he suddenly flung out and before I was able to say anything, he was gone. So I deleted him from all my contacts and blocked from communication. To me his anger didn’t matter. His inability to be mature about it – did. If you are unable to discuss the issues between us, good bye. In any relationships communication is the most important. It sounds like a cliché, but it is just about the only cliché that makes sense. When each party keeps their concerns about relationships to themselves, burning pains within their heart, hurting and not speaking of it, they are not in relationships anymore, but in the pretend game of relationship. And I have grown up from games.
- I want you to love me
- Ok. I love you…
Silly Mickey Mouse cartoon with silly characters. There are certain things we never ask for. Simply because it is not something to be produced as of a magical trick off your sleeve. I cannot say I “never”, because it won’t be true, but in my life I rarely ask for anything. And I do my best not to have wants. I spell them into wishes, into dreams into “would’ve been nices”. I only want what I am given. A strange idea at first glance. But think of it. We are only given what we deserve in the eyes of others. Sometimes I might have different opinion on what exactly do I deserve. That doesn’t mean I have to go out there and get it, fight for it, beg for it or steal it. When my self-evaluation differs with how others valued me, that tells me one of us is wrong. It doesn’t tell me – go and make them to change theirs. Everyone is entitled to have their own views of me. A year ago I would torture myself to death with the questions of Why. Why they did this to me, why I am not loved, why I deserved this, what’s wrong with me and etc…I since have grown up from this. I don’t ask why I’m not getting what I think I should have. I believe that I do. And I believe that I will. and with time I might even get something that I always thought I deserve. But even then I don’t want anything another is not willing to give. I remember how ex said to me once: you never bothered to fight for me, you think I’m not worth it. And I replied: I can beg you to stay or force you to stay but I can’t make you love me and without your love, I don’t want to have you, even if I think you are worthy. He didn’t understand. All I ever want is what they would give me without an effort. Not for the sake of being kind or being polite or obliged to return a good gesture. But because they would think this is what I want her to have. I don’t need a lot. Only as much as you wish to give.
It is never the words that give me a hint of my worth. It is actions. And when he said I love you and then walked away, his love became cheap. It made me cheap in my own eyes. I don’t need to be told I’m loved, it means little to me now. I believe if I ever will be loved, I will know it without words, I will feel it and experience it in my every day and every minute…Perhaps, I am naïve…
I’ve adjusted my relationships model to accommodate my new needs. I want it simple. You either want to be in relationship with me or you don’t. For once we both have the same wish, we can work out any occasional issue between us. Few months ago I used to have a friend. A chat buddy, we shared quite a lot of common interests and were getting on well. Once when we talk, something insignificant happened and he suddenly flung out and before I was able to say anything, he was gone. So I deleted him from all my contacts and blocked from communication. To me his anger didn’t matter. His inability to be mature about it – did. If you are unable to discuss the issues between us, good bye. In any relationships communication is the most important. It sounds like a cliché, but it is just about the only cliché that makes sense. When each party keeps their concerns about relationships to themselves, burning pains within their heart, hurting and not speaking of it, they are not in relationships anymore, but in the pretend game of relationship. And I have grown up from games.