I’m usually quiet after the weekend…weekends are not my best times anymore…in the saying “two step forward, one step back”, weekends are my step-back…I do understand that I still manage to make two steps forward…and that’s a moving forward in general view…still I feel being gently pushed back by my weekends…a somewhat spoke into the wheels of my progress they are…
There is that saying “home is where your heart is”…I am homeless…it certainly feels like it…
Friends don’t seem to help…I feel even more alone among the friends…perhaps, because they were mutual friends…not that they become uncaring or took sides…they honestly trying to be helpful…when they reach out, they do…I stopped reaching out myself…I don't have single friends and all my married friends are...well... too busy leading married life...and I suddenly found myself in a void...free from so many things, it is frightening just how much time I used to give to the others...and now suddenly I've got all this time and I've got to find something else to fill it with...and it is apparently not as easy as it sounds...and anyway, how can one explain that after being TOGETHER for so many years being ALONE IS a problem…that not having anyone ready to share your day IS a problem…that being good regardless how bad you feel IS a problem…oh I am good…I’m so good…does it really do me any good?..
I’ve been having arguments with my car. He and I disagree in the ground concept of what “runnable car” means…and I thought I eased myself of the headache when finally sold my ex’s car last week …life never lets you take a breath doesn’t she?...just when you’d think, you’ve got it all under control now…as much as I love my car…even I had this treacherous thought of sending him off to the scrap yard today…because he was truly unbearable like a grumpy old man…in a sense that he grumped all the way while driving and in the most unhealthy way too, I thought I’d never make it home…for the first time I was afraid to drive! My poor Mondy-Boy, he has been so good to me for all these years…why now?!..The garage sounds a bit unaffordable right now and the private mechanic I’ve found have let me down…and there was no one…NO ONE I can just cry my helplessness out…who needs to listen...as if no one have their own problems to worry about!...And I’m tired of all this crap falling down on me all the time…it is not that it is unmanageable of course…and I can deal with the daily chores being thrown at me...eventually I do deal with them, one by one, one at a time… but...it is simply too demanding…too much…too non-stop…and I could do without extra pressure just fine, you know…
I’ve been called strong…resilient…patient…and maybe I am…well, sure I am…but there are times when I have this urge to be helpless…just because being weak gives you a licence to cry without shame…It might seems that I’m making a big deal out of nothing…so many people happily live on their own and manage just fine and happy and enjoy being this way…BUT don't forget that I only have 23 years of experience of how to live WITH someone…I’m learning how NOT TO…and I find the education program to be somewhat unnecessary arduous…
There is that saying “home is where your heart is”…I am homeless…it certainly feels like it…
Friends don’t seem to help…I feel even more alone among the friends…perhaps, because they were mutual friends…not that they become uncaring or took sides…they honestly trying to be helpful…when they reach out, they do…I stopped reaching out myself…I don't have single friends and all my married friends are...well... too busy leading married life...and I suddenly found myself in a void...free from so many things, it is frightening just how much time I used to give to the others...and now suddenly I've got all this time and I've got to find something else to fill it with...and it is apparently not as easy as it sounds...and anyway, how can one explain that after being TOGETHER for so many years being ALONE IS a problem…that not having anyone ready to share your day IS a problem…that being good regardless how bad you feel IS a problem…oh I am good…I’m so good…does it really do me any good?..
I’ve been having arguments with my car. He and I disagree in the ground concept of what “runnable car” means…and I thought I eased myself of the headache when finally sold my ex’s car last week …life never lets you take a breath doesn’t she?...just when you’d think, you’ve got it all under control now…as much as I love my car…even I had this treacherous thought of sending him off to the scrap yard today…because he was truly unbearable like a grumpy old man…in a sense that he grumped all the way while driving and in the most unhealthy way too, I thought I’d never make it home…for the first time I was afraid to drive! My poor Mondy-Boy, he has been so good to me for all these years…why now?!..The garage sounds a bit unaffordable right now and the private mechanic I’ve found have let me down…and there was no one…NO ONE I can just cry my helplessness out…who needs to listen...as if no one have their own problems to worry about!...And I’m tired of all this crap falling down on me all the time…it is not that it is unmanageable of course…and I can deal with the daily chores being thrown at me...eventually I do deal with them, one by one, one at a time… but...it is simply too demanding…too much…too non-stop…and I could do without extra pressure just fine, you know…
I’ve been called strong…resilient…patient…and maybe I am…well, sure I am…but there are times when I have this urge to be helpless…just because being weak gives you a licence to cry without shame…It might seems that I’m making a big deal out of nothing…so many people happily live on their own and manage just fine and happy and enjoy being this way…BUT don't forget that I only have 23 years of experience of how to live WITH someone…I’m learning how NOT TO…and I find the education program to be somewhat unnecessary arduous…