MissTick
Thingish Things

Today was a day of thinking and retrospection…the thinking happened to be about self-perception and how the way we perceive ourselves affects the way we behave. It is very difficult to re-validate yourself after you’ve been degraded in every of your roles in any way possible…I used to be a wife and now this position is no longer on a payroll…so who am I now? What is the professional definition for ex-wife? Do I have to learn new skills to be ex? Am I in this role for the rest of my life? How this will affect my resume? Would I ever apply for another wify position anyway? Could be fun to get ex to give you references, eh? ;-) somewhat sicklish sense of humour...Cynic: an idealist whose rose-colored glasses have been removed, snapped in two and stomped into the ground. 

The whole idea of a family is said to become outdated and somewhat redundant. Two people can be together without being a family…apparently, a family is just a “game where the two play by the rules”, it is a contract, agreement, a pact with certain conditions. When one is no longer prepared to honour their part of the treaty, the agreement abrogated… and who cares if it is done by one party. Strange, eh? To create a family two have to be willing. To destroy one, a wish of one is quite enough…totally disillusioned in the idea of marriage now.

I’m not reflecting what happened, I am just having cold feet for tomorrow – the day when he’ll be back from his vacation. I have no idea what will happen next. And I have no energy to get ready for whatever comes….I’ve just had the hardest emotional holidays in my life and frankly I feel like the last drops of blood have been sucked out of me leaving mind lifeless… am I in denial again?..

The reminiscence brought me back few years ago…and friend’s words took on a different meaning: don’t love what you can’t have. In fact, the only what will be yours always is – self. We can have us every time, every where, every way possible. So why bother with something else?...Love yourself and yourself only – the only sure way to be fucking happy. *I think, this is me working up for tomorrow…*

STILL: a positive thought, as I promised to my beloved self.
You love and respect yourself by taking responsibility for your own needs. Stop relying on other's opinion of what do you need - identify it yourself. Reminded me of the old mantra I’ve wrote for myself on a piece of paper in the very beginning and read it as often as I could: I do not NEED him, I only want him. And now I’m not even sure what I want anymore….