The weekend has wearied me out. The afterlodger cleaning took the most of my time and energy and then the rest has been taken away by the excitement of new cooker moving in…Not that they replaced one another, mind you. I would love to look at it this way, of course! I am not missing having weird strangers in my house at all. And it was so nice to give back to my room her lost sense of comfort…uuuggrrrhhh, if only I wouldn’t have that need to rent it out again! But until the new lodger is found, at least I can enjoy my house being in full harmony with me…
It is always easier to look over your shoulder and see the real value of what you’ve left behind…our eyesight is distorted by close proximity…strange isn’t it? by all of the laws of universe it is better to study objects being as close to them as possible…yet on a mind’s plane it pays to step away from the idea and learn what it actually was about seeing it from a distance…
I am beginning to realise that my pains and tears are no longer about not having him in my life. They have become more about the irony of my belated eye-opening. How I have wasted my life for someone who never needed such sacrifice from me. Who knows, it might’ve been easier and would’ve happened sooner if I could see the reality as it was, not as I thought it should be…I cannot say he “robed me of my best years of life”, that he “used me and then disposed of me”, I cannot say “he only took what he could and when it became not enough, he found it elsewhere”…I can of course say all these things, yet I will not. Because it was my choice too, it was me who gave my best years freely and with joy, it was me allowed to be used so keenly, it was me who refused to see that I could not give him all he wanted…if he ever robbed, used and took, he only did it with my full permission and even my encouragment…it was my own understanding of what family supposed to be. I am not into self-blaming, and I’m not into putting all the blame on him either…I gave him all I can and I don’t regret that I did. At least I have my integrity. Even if it is a feeble consolation, it still is. You move on when you realize it's their loss because you are the one person who wouldn't give up on them. Yet sometime it is so fucking hard to get moving…*sigh*
On this segment of my rollercoaster, after the yet another down fall into the ouch, it is now time for recovery…I’m being lazy, slowly enjoying breathing without gulp, talking without tears breaking my voice in half…taking it easy, literally…energy half-set, senses half-blunted. It feels great compare to the weekend. Interesting how all the emotions are relative to the ones we had before them. If, say, we were deeply down, depressed and all, then even small amount of positive feels like the time of our life…in the “normal” state, we need much more thrill to make us feel high…They said – smile more, even if you don’t feel like smiling at all…I am smiling for no reason, smiling to my own reflection in the office window…it makes me feel better with each weak-ish self-smile.
It is always easier to look over your shoulder and see the real value of what you’ve left behind…our eyesight is distorted by close proximity…strange isn’t it? by all of the laws of universe it is better to study objects being as close to them as possible…yet on a mind’s plane it pays to step away from the idea and learn what it actually was about seeing it from a distance…
I am beginning to realise that my pains and tears are no longer about not having him in my life. They have become more about the irony of my belated eye-opening. How I have wasted my life for someone who never needed such sacrifice from me. Who knows, it might’ve been easier and would’ve happened sooner if I could see the reality as it was, not as I thought it should be…I cannot say he “robed me of my best years of life”, that he “used me and then disposed of me”, I cannot say “he only took what he could and when it became not enough, he found it elsewhere”…I can of course say all these things, yet I will not. Because it was my choice too, it was me who gave my best years freely and with joy, it was me allowed to be used so keenly, it was me who refused to see that I could not give him all he wanted…if he ever robbed, used and took, he only did it with my full permission and even my encouragment…it was my own understanding of what family supposed to be. I am not into self-blaming, and I’m not into putting all the blame on him either…I gave him all I can and I don’t regret that I did. At least I have my integrity. Even if it is a feeble consolation, it still is. You move on when you realize it's their loss because you are the one person who wouldn't give up on them. Yet sometime it is so fucking hard to get moving…*sigh*
On this segment of my rollercoaster, after the yet another down fall into the ouch, it is now time for recovery…I’m being lazy, slowly enjoying breathing without gulp, talking without tears breaking my voice in half…taking it easy, literally…energy half-set, senses half-blunted. It feels great compare to the weekend. Interesting how all the emotions are relative to the ones we had before them. If, say, we were deeply down, depressed and all, then even small amount of positive feels like the time of our life…in the “normal” state, we need much more thrill to make us feel high…They said – smile more, even if you don’t feel like smiling at all…I am smiling for no reason, smiling to my own reflection in the office window…it makes me feel better with each weak-ish self-smile.