How Was My Weekend
My weekend was a good one. This was my weekend with no company coming to visit me after church on Saturday Sabbath day. When it comes to my caregivers, they are not company, are getting paid to take care of me Monday-Friday, and Saturday and Sunday. Deb and Jackie have a set schedule and work around each other so someone is always here for me during each day. Anyway, this weekend was good, relaxing, and I snuggled with Magic Kitty this weekend because it was cooler and comfortable. Sleepy weather. Fall has arrived in Wisconsin.
Expressed Myself on Facebook
So, you know, I am getting sick and tired of people not understanding that some things in my life have changed and that I am still having trouble with accepting in my own world. When you lose your ability to do what you have done since you were 3 years old, you do have to relearn it ago. It does NOT happen overnight, peeps! I am still having trouble accepting what happened two years ago was not all my fault. When I hear people tell me that they want the old Kristi back, it tells me that they are not in the real world. When you want to see the old Kristi, she is in front of you, who would walk all over the place without an obstacle she could get around, is now walking with more obstacles around her. Please understand this:
I suffer from anxiety and depression, and panic disorder, and will not be pushed or I will do the opposite of what you expect. I do not do it out of spirt or malice, and please remember this. If you think you know what I am thinking, you do not! At the time I have done the opposite of what I need to do, I am not thinking of anything at that moment because my brain does is NOT registering correctly at that moment but to find a safe place. I can still hear what you are saying to me, but I cannot answer because I am in fight or flight mode, people. I am not doing it out of malice. Do not yell at me because it does not help matters. Be patient. I won’t give up. What is going on in my life is being taken care of. I have caregivers who I trust. We have our disagreements and moments of misunderstandings, but before bed and sleep is lost, we see the picture together. I am fighting an uphill battle the best I can with my CP change, my anxiety and depression, and panic disorder. I am doing things. I rode the bus, went shopping, the movies, and watched movies that are good and funny, went out to eat, and that is with my caregivers and friend along. Thanks Marie for tagging along! I appreciate it!
I have my good days and bad days. I can walk from my bedroom to the bathroom and back, from bedroom to living room every day. At this time, I am not worried about distance, and that is how far I can walk. Yeah, it is important to walk, but what do I have to do day by day the best I can with my emotions from day to day. I have meltdowns—temper tantrums—and the nurses and techs would put those in a report in my file at dialysis. Oh, my goodness gracious, it makes me feel like shit/crap! I hate it. Some people don’t respect me or understand my feelings. I have learned not to trust people because of it.
So, if you want to disrespect me and mu feelings, I will walk away from you without looking back at you again. I will go on and head to my destination without you.
Why did I write it? 🥺
Well, people — some do not understand that I have not, yet, accepted everything about my cerebral palsy (CP) has changed. I cannot walk like I used to, and I am reminded of my ability to walk all over town before I began using a walker in my late 30s. The ‘old Kristi’ is still here. I went through severe depression and anxiety, and panic during September 2022– November 2023 because I was in nursing homes for a while, and I needed to be home with my Magic Kitty I have not seen for 3 months. MercyHealth thought I needed 24-hr care, and the nursing home St. Elizabeth’s did NOT have any nurses, but one working on the weekends! I was not getting 24-hr care there except on the week days! It took the one nurse 3 hours to help me my first night. My caregivers Jackie and Julie, and my mom AMA’d me out on November 14, 2022, with the help of the workers at the nursing home. My doctor at the time, Dr. Hussli was not calling me back in a 48 hr time frame or calling my mom and caregivers back in a reasonable call back time, either. I stopped her that week and found a temporary Mercy South doctor to take over until I found a doctor at SSM Health.
I am going to end the story here for now. More later as time goes forward. I am in counseling and have a journal for that now too. I do not mind sharing my sessions with other diarists and readers.
Good Night
Time for me to go for now. Monday will come fast enough.