So, you know, I am getting sick and tired of people not understanding that some things in my life have changed and that I am still having trouble with accepting in my own world. When you lose your ability to do what you have done since you were 3 years old, you do have to relearn it ago, It does NOT happen overnight, peeps! I am still having trouble accepting what happened two years ago was not all my fault. When I hear people tell me that they want the old Kristi back, it tells me that they are not in the real world. When you want to see the old Kristi, she is in front of you, who would walk all over the place without an obstacle she could get around, is now walking with more obstacles around her. Please understand this:
I suffer from anxiety and depression, and panic disorder, and will not be pushed or I will do the opposite of what you expect. I do not do it out of spirt or malice, and please remember this. If you think you know what I am thinking, you do not! At the time I have done the opposite of what I need to do, I am not thinking of anything at that moment because my brain does is NOT registering correctly at that moment but to find a safe place. I can still hear what you are saying to me, but I cannot answer because I am in fight or flight mode, people. I am not doing it out of malice. Do not yell at me because it does not help matters. Be patient. I won’t give up. What is going on in my life is being taken care of. I have caregivers who I trust. We have our disagreements and moments of misunderstandings, but before bed and sleep is lost, we see the picture together. I am fighting an uphill battle the best I can with my CP change, my anxiety and depression, and panic disorder. I am doing things. I rode the bus, went shopping, the movies, and watched movies that are good and funny, went out to eat, and that is with my caregivers and a friend along. Thanks, Marie for tagging along! I appreciate it!
I have my good days and bad days. I can walk from my bedroom to the bathroom and back, from bedroom to living room every day. At this time, I am not worried about distance, and that is how far I can walk. Yeah, it is important to walk, but what do I have to do day by day the best I can with my emotions from day to day. I have meltdowns—temper tantrums—and the nurses and techs would put those in a report in my file at dialysis. Oh, my goodness gracious, it makes me feel like shit/crap! I hate it. Some people don’t respect me or understand my feelings. I have learned not to trust people because of it.
So, if you want to disrespect me and my feelings, I will walk away from you without looking back at you again. I will go on and head to my destination without you.