Going To Make Some Changes As Of Today
My Life Will Continue to Move Forward No Matter What Happens!
From this day forward, even though I feel I am not always living my own life, but I am, I am going to do my very best to not allow my thoughts to think negatively about it when I am living my own life. I am not living Jackie’s life by any means. I am living MY life. Yes, it has changed because my medical needs of more care has changed since I have been home from my last stint in a nursing home. I am at dialysis with some time left to dialyze over an hour. I get frustrated some days because I cannot just get up and go like I used to since I have been home November 14, 2022. My caregiver Jackie IS NOT going to leave me stranded or ever leave me UNLESS God said it is time. I am STUCK with Jackie until I am not her charge anymore because God said it is time, kiddo. Despite my afflicted body from a hematoma that has delayed my ability to walk, I do have to admit that I have come a long way from my stubbornness the way it is and with my caregivers Jackie’s and Deb’s help and understanding that I am ME for a reason. I have a love and hate relationship with people in my life because we do not see eye to eye on things. I do not like physical therapy and I have my reasons for not liking it. Despite the fact that I say this openly, I hate wing pushed in doing something I do not want to do. I have my reasons, and whine about it. If physical therapy does not understand, I will do my therapy at home and work with what I have. I need to do it my way because I know my body and it is very frustrating some days that I cannot do what I used to. Enough said about physical therapy, okay? Please understand this! I need to it my way for now, please.
The Old Me VS the ‘New Me’?
Since I have 59 minutes left to dialyze, I will share more after writing this in another entry for the day after I get home. I do will not always bring my iPad when I go to dialysis, but today I did because needed to write something important today in my journal so I can get my thoughts in order.
I have been fighting in my mind with the old me and what I have called myself the new me. To be very honest with you, as of today, I am DONE going from what I could do in my 20s and 30s, before I began using a cane and walker in my 30s and 40s. The old me is still here. Yes, my attitude has changed a bit because I have been dealing with emotions not everyone who is helping me does not understand unless they know me from childhood. Umm, that is why I have love and hate relationships and some bridges have been burned and repaired or I moved forward in life the best I could without some people. I have to do what I can on my own and when I am ready to work hard on something to be strong again, I will be ready! I am not going to compare what I could do when I was younger and in my 30s and 40s. The old me VS the new me is no longer going to have mind games and if certain people in my life do not understand (medical) then, um, stop pushing me! I have come a long way on my own stubbornness and I deal with anxiety and panic disorders ever since I was a little girl because my family is broken due to choices and life happenings that occurred around me! There is mental illness in my family that dates from the very beginning of time, and I am going to be working on my mental illness the best I can with help with a counselor I have come to trust in the past several months. Let me do this! Thank you!
Diary Ond