1pm Thu. Well. The doctor's appt was...interesting. I asked abour the symptoms I experienced during the thug invasion over the winter could they be described as a panic attack (and not something more serious, like say, afib). But as I started telling the doc the who where whats, my eyes started tearing up. All the buried emotions and pain from the thug invasion started coming out, which totally surprised me. I know I am not 'over' it because it is an event that wrote a chapter in my life that I will never get over. And because it continues to this day and we are reminded of it everytime the thugs execute another innocent person and lie about it. But I never expected to cry. Especially since I didn't cry when it was happening in the winter. But then the doctor mentioned processing trauma, and I realized 1. As someone who experienced physical abuse, I never thought to consider the invasion as trauma to me. And 2. I hadn't said how I was feeling back then out loud to anyone at the time. I wrote about it, but I never said out loud "This is how I am feeling." I never told anyone I was waking up in the middle of the night in a panic, heart beating frantically, frustrated that all my usual techniques to calm myself weren't working. I never used my voice to describe how the domestic terrorists were affecting me physically.

And I can't help but think that the effect the thug invasion had on me has to be nothing compared to the people who were actually targeted.

And that truly breaks my heart. So many people were, and continue to be, traumatized by these thugs. How can anyone not understand that?? And all of us who are traumatized...they're asking us to be all rah-rah about what is going on. Only the heartless, hedonist, narcissist can't understand.

The doc confirmed that I had indeed experienced panic attacks and we discussed drugs and we discussed therapy and I chose the drug, to be taken as needed, if the panic attack should happen again. Cuz it kind of has been happening more often whenever I feel very overwhelmed now. I have this (probably stupid) idea that with the shortage of therapists, I should leave them available for the people who are truly in need of help. My needs and health are secondary to people who are truly suffering.

I do have to point out this one simple act of kindness that occurred during the appointment: as I was tearing up, the doc went over to the table on the other side of the room and grabbed the kleenex box and set it near me. That is what separates a good doc from a bad one in my mind.

3pm. Okay, now I'm just in shock. My A1c came back as prediabetic! 5.8. It makes zero sense. Because I already do every single thing right. My BMI is 21. I run/walk 3 miles in 30 minutes every day, I've been biking several times a week for the last 4 months, I eat 2 cups of fruit daily, staying away from the higher sugar fruits like banana and pineapple, 3-4 c. fresh nonstarchy vegetables daily, usually cabbage, cauliflower, broccoli; rarely do I eat starches, so no white rice, no pasta, no white bread, occasional potato. No red meat. I don’t smoke, I eat a minimum 25g fiber each day. 1200 kcal/day. My only treat is a frozen fudge pop after dinner. So what the hell?? I told honey my results and he was shocked too. So I told him that's why I want him to see a doctor, because I'm doing everything right and look what happens.

I honestly don’t know what else I can do to bring it down. I am so upset about this.

I swear they must have mixed up my bloodwork with the other person with the same first name who was also getting bloodwork done at the same time.

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This is the finished box for the ashes that honey made. Coca-Cola themed, and patina'd because the guy was also a collector of old Coke products. I hope the cousin likes it.

I think I also found what I was suffering from last week: cholinergic pruritis. Exacerbated by allergies. Every spring for years, I have suffered from an itchy neck, but without the burning, which I attributed to being allergic to tree pollen. But as I've been reading about cholinergic urticaria (same symptoms but with welts/red rash), and I'm reading about histamines being released in sweat. So it would make sense that being allergic to peaches would release the histamines in my sweat, causing itching and burning. Similar to the response I had with almond milk...as it came out in my urine, burning my skin.

Ha! My mom always told me I was being too sensitive. She just didn't know that I was too sensitive both emotionally and physically.