Yesterday I made Indian for my dinners, using one of those jarred sauces (which are quite tasty), but as I was finishing up and feeling so satisfied with how delicious it is, I realized moving out of honey's house was a good decision for yet another reason: I finally get to cook what I like, and not what he'll eat. His tastes are bland -- bread, cheese, meat, potatoes -- he won't eat any fruits or vegetables except potatoes. And I like flavor and spices, and fruit and vegetables, and trying something new. Meat is a side dish, not the main course for me. It took me over a year on my own to realize I don't have to make meals he'll eat anymore. I can have tofu stirfries and Indian curries, African stews and Cajun gumbo, and all the other foods he'd never eat. It's nice to cook for just me, because it used to be I cooked for what my kids would eat and then it was what this middle-aged man-toddler would eat. Now it's just me. Ah, freedom!

Got the xmas letter from my brother's wife. It's the only way I hear what's going on for real with my siblings besides the group text political outrage. In a way it hurts to see they are vacationing together without even inviting me. But I try to dismiss it by telling myself I couldn't afford it anyway (like I have the spare cash to go to Egypt!) They have a lot of money and take several vacations a year all over the world, and I can barely muster a road trip to the next state over once a year. Haves and have nots. I don’t mind being on the lower end of the K economy, I have what I need. I guess what really bothers me is it's just that they're a little clique and as usual, I'm on the outside. There were seven 7 of us kids, but the 2 oldest and the youngest have always been tight. One sibling died at 21 and another at 39, and that leaves me and a dramatic, conspiracy-believing, MAGA sister who I've caught more than once lying/making up stories about family members. Like I said, I'm on my own as far as siblings go. On the outside looking in, as has been my entire life.

Got all my OD entries copy and posted over here. Working on the pictures now. I'm hoping if i get my faves into one entry I'll be able to figure out how to save or download those.

Two days of work this week, as Wed/Thu are paid holidays and I'm taking Friday off. Honey is coming up Wed after work "for Christmas" and leaving Thurs since he works Fri/Sat. It is very confusing because on the one hand, he tells me he hates Christmas, so I treat it as a regular day, and on the other hand, he's coming "for Christmas" so i don't know if he is expecting some special Christmas meal and a gift. I have none to make or give. It's not really a celebration when it is only 2 people. I didn't bother putting up any decorations. And I'm long past trying to create 'Christmas' for people who don't appreciate all the work that goes into it. I guess I could pull the pre-cooked ribs from the freezer...

Trying to decide whether to finally call out that one OD-ist who i thought was a friend who noted me and said i was incapable of love and then deleted the comment the next day and THEN tried to spin it in a public entry which apparently she thought was an apology (without actually apologizing) but ended up mocking me instead. Half a year later it still cuts deeply and is by far one of the cruelest things ever said and done to me in my 60 years. I really want to write one last mean entry telling people what i really think of them. No one remains there anymore, i just think it would be cathartic to finally write it, because I never have.

I keep catching myself with jaws clenched. Not sure if it is from being cold or from stress. Either way, it's not good.

Dog pissing me off this morning. A garbage truck emptied a dumpster at the apts and that was too loud and scary for dog so he won't do his business this morning. Grrr.