6PM Tues: Well, my optimism was high for oh, about 12 hours. Now, I am so stressed and so tired. Take a break from the news, they recommend. That is the WORST thing I could do. How even, when everything is collapsing around us and I'm just supposed to ignore it?? I am so angry at the rest of the people in the states of america who are indifferent, going about their regular days. THE FUCKING COUNTRY IS FALLING APART PEOPLE! Act now or lose everything you know to be true.

I heard border patrol shot someone in AZ and that the state is investigating along with the feds. THAT IS NOT HAPPENING HERE, EVEN AFTER 3 SHOOTINGS!! Our state is being blocked from all investigations and evidence. How will our victims and their families receive justice? But hey, just go plan your vacation and go to the movies because it doesn't affect you. Don't say a word about how horribly the federal government is treating our state as though we are some foreign enemy country. I hate you all for not giving a rat's ass.

And my fucking Nazi sister. I have been ruminating all day about her playing the victim card. How she doesn't care that people's (her relatives) civil rights are being tossed out the door because it doesn't affect her lily white immediate family. That she thinks it is perfectly okay for CITIZENS to get pulled over for no reason. Stopped coming out of the store. Or pulled out of their homes in their underwear. Or murdered for being an observer and protector. Just be respectful to the very "law enforcement officers" who are incinerating your civil rights and violating every law. Let them do their job and everything will be fine she says. The Brown Shirt and Nazi sympathizers said the same thing to the Jews. I hate her. I hate people who dont recognize their white privilege and walk without fear or a clue, who have the gall to complain about the immigrants, legal or not. WHERE IS YOUR SOUL?

I hate everything and everybody right now. Fuck you and you and you.

10pm Tues: I have cried more in the the last few weeks than I have all of last year, and tonight was no exception. I didn't cry about any one thing, i just cried for the world. Sobbing painful cries from deep within. On the phone, honey let me shout and vent and let it out. He did the same. He has yet to confront his MAGA brother. He claims he wants to let things calm down, but I'm skeptical. The one thing that made me feel just a little better was watching Heather Cox Richardson's political talk tonight. The last one was on Saturday and she ended it in tears. Tonight's was much more hopeful and gave me not only hope, but an explanation of the mood of the rest of the country. But my hope is fleeting as things change so very quickly.

I just needed to write this out to get it out so I might sleep. It is such a roller-coaster life right now.

6am Wed: I have been up since 4am. I have gone from a solid 8 hrs of sleep to 5 hrs if I am lucky. My face shows the dark circles of stress and sleeplessness beneath my eyes. My body has morphed into a blob of fat I don’t recognize as I self-soothe with potato chips and puffcorn.

Today I face two days of workload that must be completed in one day with no overtime. No quiet time in which I can focus. Mistakes will be made.

We continue to have below-zero temperatures (since Thursday) and the wind won't stop blowing and there is no end of the cold in sight. I'm tired of spending literally 5 minutes putting on multiple layers of clothing each time I have to go outside. My neck and shoulders ache as I hunch from being cold all the time.

It has been a tough tough year. And we're not even a month in.

8am Wed: My walk complete. My energy restored. Another day. Lead with love, they say. And so I did.

I wrote LOVE in the snow multiple times along my route.

Give love, receive love.