I was wide awake at 4am this morning and finally just got out of bed at 4:45. Usual stuff keeping me awake as always.

Honey was kind of surprised to receive a text from his sister on Friday that their brother had a lot of head pain, back pain, arm pain and he had undergone a brain MRI. This was out of the blue, as earlier in the week his brother said that he may or may not have lung cancer, so honey was waiting to hear on the results of that. The MRI came back clear, no brain cancer. They are still waiting for the biopsy report so treatment can be determined for the lung cancer. Honey's sister called on Saturday and they discussed their brother and then went on to other topics. Twice, honey brought up the occupation in our state and twice she immediately changed the subject. I'm not cool with that. I guess she thinks it doesn't affect us just because we're white. I just don't understand how white people are just looking away, ignoring the blatant human rights and civil rights abuses. THIS AFFECTS EVERYONE!! Maybe not personally, but at the bare minimum it affects people economically. If only the white people would take 10 minutes to think how the elimination of our black and brown people will affect every aspect of their lives. There are still white people who think immigrants take jobs away from whites, but we all know the whites who think this also think they're too good to take those very jobs anyway. But back to honey and his brother. After the phone call on Saturday I was trying to get honey to discuss how he felt about his brother's illness and thought out loud, "Oh yeah, you haven't lost a sibling yet." Apparently that annoyed him, because he cruelly threw it back at me on Sunday as another discussion arose about him not wanting anyone to know if he was sick and dying. He thinks people are fake around dying people and I took the position that the people who really care will show up when you're dying, the casuals will just disappear. "Well why don't you tell me how to feel, since you're apparently the expert because you’ve lost two siblings." I refused to react to that cruelty and instead said, "My siblings died suddenly and unexpectedly. I wish I had had the opportunity to have a last conversation with them. And your decision deprives your siblings of just that." I also mentioned that he was setting me up as the bad guy to his siblings which of course he jumped on, "Ah ha! Now the real reason comes out, you're just looking out for yourself." "I don’t really care, it's not like they talk to me outside of family events." I responded.

I really don’t like him very much right now.

So the rest of the weekend.

Daughter and grandchildren came over Sat afternoon with GF cookies and a "poster" grandson had made for me to hang in my window. It read "ICE out of SP Resist Trump I love Granny." written in first-grader scrawl. We played bingo and checkers and yahtzee and had a nice visit. I learned that math and reading are grandson's best subjects and he wanted to improve on spelling and writing.

Sunday I went to honey's in the morning and prepped for my meals in the afternoon. I attempted sheet-pan tofu fajitas, but everything about it was wrong wrong wrong. The vegetables were soggy, the prepackaged sauce was too soy-saucy. I ended up putting it all in a skillet to dry it out which then overcooked the vegetables so then I added refried beans to the mix to mellow the sharp soy sauce flavor. (And can I ask why there was soy sauce in Tex-Mex in the first place???) Served it over lettuce with cheese. I'm stuck with this slop for the week though, since I can't waste that much food, no matter how awful it is.

And I finally purged (almost) everything from my brain that I wanted to say to person formerly known as sister into a Word document. I will read it over and refine it and then mail it as a cold, impersonal typewritten letter to emphasize my detachment.

I do have a hard time reconciling my actions toward her with forgiveness and love. Are we to forgive those who intentionally hate others? Are we to love those who want to inflict severe mental anguish on others? Who 'other' our black and brown neighbors? Where is the line drawn? Do we get to draw a line? Or are we to love and forgive Hitler as well as those who are doing the same today in the states of america? I don’t hate them, but i don't like or love or approve of them either. Isn’t being loving toward them just accepting their despicable behavior? I was taught to reject Satan in my catholic upbringing, so don't we get to reject Satan's accomplices?

I read this account from a legal immigrant and am saving it for posterity: I was finally able to get in touch with an immigration lawyer. I went through the list of various questions I had–confrontations with ice, detainment process, acceptable forms of ID, what will happen to my child, etc. I think the biggest things that I took away from this were: 1- A birth certificate is not going to cut it. Documents need to have a PHOTOGRAPH of you in it, so a passport is the best thing to carry with you. 2- If you’ve snapped photos of your passport on your phone or whatever, do not provide them your phone. Just buy copies of your passport, because they could look through your phone. They shouldn’t, but it’s a real possibility that they’ll begin searching through it. I guess the threat in doing that, to me, is that they’ll start going down a list of my friends and family to harrass them as well. 3- Do not give them the hardcopy of your passport. If you get detained, maybe someone can later show them the hardcopy to release you from detainment. The hardcopy is the strongest piece of evidence lawyers will have in court. 4- If I am worried about getting detained for some reason, it might help to retain a lawyer who can then fight for me as soon as they are aware I am detained. I’d have to provide their information to a family member who can be contacted by my place of work–it’s a real possibility that I just go missing for some days, work notices first, and that’s how people will “figure out” that I may have been detained. I told her that I was afraid to get my passport due to the recent killings, so had cancelled my passport appointment. But the lawyer assured me that it’s highly unlikely for ICE to be arresting people getting their passports, since they are highly likely to be US citizens. So I’ve scheduled an appointment for a Monday, for both X and me, to get our passports. It still irks me that I have to carry a freaking passport with me at all times. I honestly don’t even feel that X is safe, even though he’s over 6’ and Caucasian. Family have been reaching out to ask if I am doing alright in MN. X's Aunt reached out last night, and honestly, I kind of just unloaded on her a bit. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything. I had tried my best to prepare for this to possibly happen. I think because I have thought about it since March of last year, it’s easier for X and I to just spring into action. But I still feel so unprepared. I still feel like there are so many things on my plate regarding citizenship, deportations, separation from family, having to get in touch with a lawyer, etc. that I need to get in order. I can’t really explain the strong and mixed emotions of having to pack a Go bag for your baby, when the reality is that at any moment you’re not sure if you’ll be able to come home, or to pick him up from daycare, to continue loving and protecting him. You can’t because your skin is a certain color, or your values align with certain political beliefs that have been met with violence and fatality when lawfully expressed. I feel angry. I can’t go out in public alone with my son if I want him safe, because I am not safe right now, and I am angry at the majority of the American voters. Regardless of why they voted for trump, they knew what he was all about. They just didn’t care. trump is like the child who spilled a glass of milk. I’m not mad at the child, I’m mad at the parent who put that freaking glass of milk there to be spilled in the first place. I did not at all intend for this entry to be about living under the current harassment of our government for citizenship, the forced marriage between X and me, and the real fears and anxieties around losing my baby because I’m not white. Ugh. I promise that I have a lot more going on in my life, and this is just a small piece of it. But, whatever I guess. Just another day in the neighborhood.