I've ridden over 100 miles in June! I think that's kind of a big deal considering I just started riding 2 months ago. Yesterday I rode 11.5 miles. I've noticed the gear I use for normal cruising is higher than when I first started riding too. Weight change? Nada.
Honey got the tailgate on and I got the bike rack onto that and it works wonderfully! So after he left, I loaded my bike and parked at mile 5 of the Gateway trail and rode some more of the trail I hadn't been on. Not very scenic, unfortunately, because that leg of it ran next to a major highway. But it is nice being able to explore further. I will just pick up where I left off.
Watched the movie Voicemails for Isabelle on Netflix last night. Parts of it made me cry. Maybe because the actress really captured the pain of losing a sister. She captured that permanent expression your face takes on from the pain of it. How you go about your life, but there is that great big empty space inside. It will be 33 years since my sister was killed on July 2, and right now I am bawling like it just happened. I never healed from that. I will never heal from that. This is always a tough week for me.
Yesterday I boiled up some ground beef and rice for dog, to reintroduce solids. He seems okay in every way, he's chasing after rabbits and being his usual self, but the diarrhea continues. Had to clean up another mess this morning. I had laid old towels on the rug before bed, but he pulled them away and shat on the rug again anyway 😠I had hoped things would firm up, because I really do not want to take him to the vet. But it's looking more and more like I have to. Ugh. The good news is, isopropyl alcohol got the stain out from his first two accidents, thank goodness.
Everyone knows dog and I do not have a good bond. His extreme anxiety and over-the-top neediness is just too much for me to handle. As dog was following my every step yesterday and getting annoyingly underfoot, fearing I might go outside without him, honey even noticed it this time and said to dog, "I can see why Kayel gets annoyed with you." Honestly, I would choose euthanasia over surgery if it comes down to that. Not that I will have that choice. But I do not want to put a ton of money into a dog I don’t really like. Yes, that's cold and heartless. I do take good care of him, walk him, pet him, brush him, play with him. But he is a burden, not a family member. If I had to do it again, I would never adopt another rescue dog. They are just too anxiety-filled and needy. So I will be guilt-talked into spending a shit-ton amount of money on him because that is what is expected. And I will resent the dog even more because of it. The rescue place guilted me into keeping him when I wanted to surrender him back, and the vet will guilt me into treating him. I will not get another pet after this one. My previous dog was truly my best friend and he was irreplaceable. I should have stopped there.
It is dark and gloomy this morning.
Fits my mood.
Comments (1)
Thank you for your support and for sharing your entry. That really helps to know I shouldn't be judged when trying to do the best thing for dog. When I moved from the country to the city, the dog's anxiety got so much worse (all the noises, like garbage trucks, cars backfiring, etc, were especially frightening for him) and I knew it wasn't working. I called the rescue (because that's what the contract said to do), and told them he'd do so much better in a rural setting and they flat out told me they couldn't take him back and to try Prozac. So I felt stuck with him and unable to help him and my vet put him on Prozac which helps to some extent. But it's just not a good personality fit either. I've done all I can humanly do.