Well. I survived the visit from middle child. He arrived around 1pm yesterday and left at 6am this morning and we did A LOT of talking in between. A LOT. Because there was a lot that needed unpacking. We tackled a lot of material, from his job losses and current job, to his wife/divorce, the tumor, his childhood. I was honest. I felt vulnerable at times, fearful that he would use what I said against me sometime in the future. I think he left with a better understanding and with a sense of feeling loved. He seemed happier this morning. I did emphasize several times throughout the day that this issue or that issue is where a therapist could really help him find the tools to deal with it. I think the visit can be summarized as:

1. He was TRAUMATIZED during the one year spent in Liberia with the Peace Corps. The very fact that he is brought to literal tears talking even briefly about it 8 years later tells me that there is a lot still unresolved and I do believe the experience now affects how he approaches the world.
2. He does not want a relationship with his siblings. He views them as cruel and says they pick on him all the time when they are together. I was present at several instances he mentioned and there was no cruelty and i don't understand where he is coming from. But he says even if it isn't true, that it is his feeling and the way he feels is not right or wrong. It makes me sad and uncomfortable, forced to have "two" families.
3. Is he on the autism spectrum? Possibly. Is he extremely sensitive? Yes. Is he socially awkward? Most definitely. But instead of seeking help (therapy) to adress some of these issues, he has resigned himself to being alone and friendless for the rest of his life. At the age of 31.
4. He continues to bring up suicide. I struggle because I know if that is what he is intent on doing, there is nothing I can do to dissuade him. I am leaving my heart and my door open so he knows I am there for him always. That I am a safe place for him. I am gently trying to get him to therapy without making him feel he is broken. But he is so dead set against taking a pill, even though I explain not all solutions and tools are pills.

(Happy that I finally found the button to get out of the numbered bullet points.)

So, like I said, I survived. I did the best I could. I gave him insights. And sent him on his way. And he said he would like to visit again sometime.

I am emotionally spent.

Wish I had someone to unpack all I now carry as a result of this visit.

Otherwise....

Christmas Eve was nice. Honey and I had babyback ribs and mac n cheese and potato salad, with gingerbread cake for dessert. After dinner, we exchanged gifts--he gave me a set of screwdrivers which was really thoughtful because two of mine disappeared as we renovated this house. We started on the jigsaw puzzle (finishing it xmas morning) and watched A Carol For Christmas, a 1964 Rod Serling-directed take an A Christmas Carol. Interestingly, the main character's thinking/attitude was so similar to our current POTUS that I turned to honey during the movie and said to honey that the demented one must have seen the movie as a young man and used the character a role model on which to base his current attitude.

Today, I recover from the emotional and physical toll the visit took on me. The only thing I have planned is to wash the bedding. Open Diary has been down again for two days, so I can't work saving pictures as I had planned.