I feel like I worked two jobs yesterday! Before starting my real job, I split the grass/weeds I'd pulled up on Sunday into three parts so I could lift it into my car. Then on my lunchbreak, I located containers to put dirt into, dumped out my recycling cart in search of a missing piece of paper (didn't find it), pulled out the canna tubers and gladiolus bulbs from basement storage so I could use that container for dirt. And then after work, I loaded the grass/weeds, empty containers and a shovel into my car and went to the yard waste site to drop off the waste and pick up free dirt which I then lugged over to the new garden when I got home. Ate dinner, then back outside to empty the four half barrels of half of the soil from last year, putting that soil into sunken spots in the front yard, and then raked in some grass seed. Watered it and the plants I bought on Saturday, weeded the front planter, and called it a day at 8pm when I got bit by a black fly...which resulted in a large welt on my neck. I have such an allergic reaction to their bites, just like my dad did! I have zero reaction to mosquitoes, but black flies? Big welts.

For the second night in a row I experienced panic when I lay down, so it takes awhile to calm my heart. I slept okay until about 2:30 but then tossed and turned. Last I looked, it was 4am and it was after then that I finally fell asleep where I had three different dreams, waking after each. One had my granddaughter in it, one had me unable to yell out STOP, and the third was one of those adventure dreams where I walk and walk. Needless to say, I am TIRED this morning and my body hurts.

That piece of paper I was looking for? A sheet with all my passwords. It wasn't where it was supposed to be. And it wasn't where I thought it might also be. So by mid-afternoon after dumping out the recycling cart, I started panicking a bit, imagining it blowing out of a recycling truck and someone was selling it right now. Not that it had all my passwords, at least not the financial ones, but still. I finally found it last night, under a notebook in the living room. It is now safely back in its hiding spot. Disaster averted!

I guess I need to address the panic I've been having. Of course, the underlying cause is the gerrymandering and disenfranchisement going on. This is very very very concerning to me and it seems really hopeless. But on a different subject, honey told me how much per month he'll be getting from his pension alone, and it is twice as much as I'll be getting from Social Security. And he'll be getting SS on top of that. This knowledge just triggered a lot of anxiety for me, because for one, his top earnings were in California where the pay scale is higher, and it doesn't seem right that he collects that amount when he is no longer living there. And I'm upset that my 10 years raising responsible contributing members of society instead of having a 'real job' amounts to nothing. I am panicking that I will have to work for the rest of my life, until I keel over at the workplace one day. And if that's the case, I don't want to be living with someone with no money cares in the world who isn't working til they keel over too. And it bothers me that men get all the extras throughout their lives-extra pay, extra hours (because the mothers of their children are handling all the childcare responsibilities) , extra pensions-so they can spend their days playing golf all day in their retirement while I lay awake in the middle of the night trying to calculate how long my savings will last me before I start living on the street.