As predicted, I got next to nothing done yesterday. I was really exhausted, despite sleeping 7.5hrs and waking at 6. The Christmas day visit was emotionally draining and it physically drained me too. I did get a walk in and the bedding laundered in the morning, but by noon, I could barely keep my eyes open and lay down for what turned out to be a 3-hr nap. I rarely nap, and if I do, it is never for more than an hour. So the 3-hr nap speaks volumes as to what the visit did to me.
And I am left reeling. I am questioning everything about myself. Am I as exhausting as middle is? Is that why I can't have friends on or off line? Is my child me? Do people only tolerate me in small bouts because any longer is too much? Do i say I say things that are hurtful without realizing it? I believe that may be true.
I think I miss the OD community. Or at least the acknowledgement that I exist. But did I exist? And why did not one person ask me where I was moving to after the OD announcement? Doesn't that alone tell me that no one really gave a hoot about me? I know I can find them at PB, but do I want to? It would be those few people who might have genuinely cared...plus those who hurt me, like mean girl, and those annoying people who post multiple times a day, and the dramatic attention whores. And that whole group that shuts others out. That whole "friend" thing just turns me off. This happened the first time OD shut down in 2012ish too but instead of moving to PB as most people did, I quit writing altogether which I can't do at this point in time. There is just something about PB that rubs me the wrong way even though I can't define what it is. I know things'll get better, change is difficult. And maybe I'm just longing for community because it is winter and people IRL are not outside, and my immigrant community is in hiding instead of out on a walk and it is so dark and gloomy lately everywhere, both weather and prevailing attitude. Just feeling really alone. Much like middle.
I did call honey last night and he offered a kind ear for me to unload. I had worked myself up to the point of tears. I went to bed at my usual time and slept soundly, waking at 6. Today I feel better mentally. Today I'll grocery shop and go down to honey's to stock the fridge for the week, even though he's working today and won't be there. Winter storm watch for tomorrow, so I don't want to be on the roads then.
There is a strange debit/credit on my credit card from overnight. Must call cc company today.
Comments (3)
Those surprise three hour naps are shocking when they happen and you are right, speak volumes about our need for them. Glad you were able to get one in. Lack of good rest can just wreck us...
the little i've read about your family resonates with me a lot, as well as the loneliness it seems you feel. life is a bitch and mental health can make it harder, but you're not alone with the way you're feeling. we can do this!
Thank you for the kind note of encouragement. It is so difficult as a mother to see my adult child suffering so much and not be able to wave that magic wand to make it go away.