I didn't get to ride on Saturday or Sunday. It was hot (low 90s) and humid. The hot would be okay to ride in, but with the humidity, I wouldn't cool off. I was having a hard time dealing with the humidity on Saturday for some reason. Plus, on Sunday we had an air quality alert on top of it.

I am struggling. Even though I live 3 miles from the grandkids, I rarely see them. I think about asking if they can come over, but then I struggle with what we can do. I don’t have the toys and games. I can't pick them up, because I don’t have the carseats. And I am never invited over there to babysit or even visit unless I invite myself. I don't understand. And I get it, they work, I work, they have chores, i have chores. They have friends, and the kids have friends, and I don’t think I'm even considered as an option. The grandkids go to the other grandparents who live 20 miles away ALL. THE. TIME. I wasn't invited to a single achool event this year. It's so weird. I went on and off with tears all day yesterday. I should call, no, it's too last minute. Plan ahead...but what if it rains? It's so stupid. So I do nothing but stress and cry about it and reassure myself it is me with the problem, not them. No one wants to be around me.

What else? Well, the swans have moved the little ones into hiding already, but I think I saw a sixth one this morning. They stay right next to their parents and they are so far away that my phone zoom is blurry. They'll stay far for a month now, if the previous two years' behavior is any indicator. I'm so bummed I didnt get to see them all up close like last year.

Honey brought up a steel pipe to use to attach a hose rack in the front yard, but it was way too short. He's also working on a new pole for the mailboxes. He just likes to weld stuff.

We went to a free concert on Friday night, but there were senior citizens who kept getting up and dancing in front of the stage like they were the main attraction, or they were talking loudly and it was very distracting. We tried moving to the other side of the seating, but then just ended up leaving. The music was kind of boring, neither slow ballads or fast-tempo, just those moderate 70s type rhythms that bore me. Oh well.

I also struggled with meals for the week of course and getting enough fiber. Ever since I stopped eating yogurt with psyllium, I'm not getting enough fiber. I can't drink that psyllium powder without gagging. I don’t like or am allergic to the many high fiber foods and I'm surprised how little fiber is in the raw vegetables I do eat. I don’t know how anyone gets 30g fiber without the psyllium powder. After much calculation, lunch is cantaloupe and a plum, and a kale/cabbage salad (for fiber!). And dinner is shredded turkey and peas (for fiber!) in gravy over toast (for fiber!). And it is all ho-hum. And I hate food. And I hate all the issues I have related to food. I want to just not care and eat whatever I damn please without my body having a reaction. I am already stressing about eating on vacation. I checked every single restaurant in the area and it is all the same deep fried, breaded stuff I can't eat. Or beef. Or unhealthy. Which means I have to cook. And dammit, why do I have to cook for two when I'm on vacation?

And the older I get, the more I realize just how different I am from others. The friends I've had through the years have always been casual acquaintances. No one has ever wanted to 'do' stuff with me. I see groups of people at the concert, or dining on their deck, or shopping together, or riding bikes oe walking together, and I've just never had that. It is just me, alone. All the time alone. No one wants to get any closer to me than they have to.

And the crows. Nonstop cawing all day long. They follow me for a block from my house in either direction when I go for a walk. It is driving me insane.

Slept like crap last night. I was so itchy. It was then that I realized I hadn't taken my allergy pill yesterday. I got up about 1:30 and put a cold water washcloth on my face and neck and arms to stop the itch followed by Aveeno. I sat in the living room reading for a half hour in the dark. I tossed. I turned.

What is the point of living when every day is neverending work just to stay alive?