Needless to say, another sleepless night.

(Written last night) I am in a state of shock. The people in my state, in my community, are in shock. Because some masked gangsters aka ICE callously shot killed MURDERED a member of my community. I have been sick to my stomach since I heard the news around lunchtime. I couldn't focus the rest of the day. How pointless work seems when we have a national (international) crisis going on, carried out by a group of lying thugs. And I am not just talking about ICE when i say group of lying thugs. I try to comprehend the how. How can these thugs so blatantly lie about what happened when everything, EVERYTHING, contradicts their lies??? "An act of domestic terrorism" they say. Why yes, yes it was, but the act was carried out by ICE gangsters, not the by the woman in the car. What kind of alternate reality do these thugs live in? And worse, why do their followers believe them? And why are the masked gangsters referred to as law enforcement when they do nothing of the sort? They're not even fucking trained in law enforcement. We're supposed to believe the gangsters were pushing their car out of the snow??? WTF? IF this was even true, which it is not, then whoever was behind the wheel should have their license revoked or go back home to the south, because the roads are perfectly driveable. Only an idiot or someone from the south would get 'stuck' in the little slush that remains on the road.

There is just so much wrong with what occurred today.

And I hold every single person who voted these monsters into office for a second term personally responsible for this murder and for what comes next. And it is my hope that you will be judged by your god accordingly and suffer the consequences.

We weathered the George Floyd storm and came out stronger because of it. We will weather this storm. But right now, I am angry, I am horrified, I am saddened. I feel hopeless. I feel empty.

(Written today) The anger has lessened, the incredible pain remains. The confusion remains about how this mayhem is allowed to continue.

I am hopeful that this will remain peaceful. I learned yesterday that many protesters are now trained to de-escalate and restore peace and are always on site. This is different from when George Floyd occurred. They can help those whose anger is being channeled in an unhealthy way, as they did yesterday. Unlike the border patrol, who moved in after the murder and pepper-sprayed the people who were in shock after witnessing the scene. SHAME! SHAME!

Today, I question prayer, what it is. To what and to where is it directed? Is prayer defined as hope for those who don't subscribe to a god? Can all people pray even if they don't worship a god? I feel a need to act. But I can't pray, can I? When there is nothing to direct the prayer to? I guess this is where my strict Catholic upbringing clashes with my now life as an atheist. I don’t know how or what prayer is.

So this morning, I took my walk in the crisp morning air. I greeted my Hmong community with an especially loving good morning as they walked to school, and they returned the greeting in kind. I listened to The Serviceberry to ground myself as I walked. I noticed the frost on the trees over the pond and green stains from the buckthorn berries in the snow. The flock of robins passing through in search of these berries. And as I walked along the main thoroughfare, I walked with a smile on my face so that each commuter could start their day with a smile. A few waved.

Today, I am thankful to have siblings who share in my horror, even though they do not live here.

I am thankful to Robin Wall Kimmerer for sharing her Potawatomi wisdom in her books.

I am thankful for the peacemakers.