Difficult night. Middle child called me around 7:30pm which surprised me because we had just talked on April 28. First he thanked me for remembering his birthday and the check I had included. Then he apologized for our last conversation. Although I wasn't dwelling on it, he reminded me that he was arguing and disagreeing with me on a lot of my suggestions. Again, I hardly remember it and told him so, so he shouldn't feel bad about. I told him I do me and he does he and we may not always agree. He seemed to be very relieved by this. And then he got into the real reason for his call: Do you think medication can help me? he asked. And so I gave him my non-medical opinion that I think he suffers from social anxiety and depression (but I'm not sad, he said. I'm just empty.) and that it is okay to be depressed and anxious, and that yes, medication may help. I told him it helps his dad and it helps his sister. He said he didn't think counseling could help him and I said it could, because they would have tools to teach him how to handle social situations he gets so stuck in. Then we discussed the path to take going forward. I told him I didn't know whether he should start with a medical doctor or a counselor but that I would look up the local NAMI office and he could start there because they could refer him to resources. And then I told him that I thought his sister might be willing to talk to him about the steps to take because she'd been down that road and I asked if he'd be willing to talk with her. Surprisingly, he said he would. I told him I would ask, but not to be disappointed if she says no, because he had basically told her and his brother to fuck off a few years ago, and so they did.

He also mentioned he was job-searching again, so we discussed the possibilities. (His masters in math is not very useful in his job at a grocery store.) He said he ignored his coworkers at his current job when they talked to him because he didn't know what to say, and I told him that could get him to lose his job. And he said he thought that is where it was heading. I told him there was nothing keeping him in Iowa where there are less opportunities and if he wanted to move back here, he could stay with me while he got back on his feet. He was absolutely floored by this offer. 'You would do that for me?" Of course I would, I said, until he got settled and could get a place of his own.

We ended the conversation with me promising to get him some phone numbers and asking daughter if she would consider talking to him.

And if him saying he needed help wasn't enough of a good thing, my daughter responded with kindness in her heart as well:

I let son know she would talk with him, but he was going to bed. He ended his text with: "Thanks mom. The suicidal thoughts came back today so I think getting help is the best path. Love you and thanks for your support through this."

So that's where we left it as of last night.

I tried to relax by re-watching the movie There's Something About Mary and thought I was okay mentally. I felt sleepy at 11pm, but when I tried to read, the eReader was too bright, even on its darkest setting and I couldn't settle my racing mind. When honey came in at midnight I was still awake. I just tossed and turned most of the night and finally got up at 5:30am. It's going to be a long day. And I still need to connect things between my kids, because daughter doesn't have son's phone number.

Feeling tired and a bit overwhelmed right now, but happyish that son is finally admitting he needs help. We (I) have been dealing with his denials for a decade, his blaming us for being mean to him. His lashing out. I've shed a lot of tears at how hurtful he's been to not just me but even more to his siblings. I don't think this is manipulation. Or at least, I really hope it is not. Or that will be the final straw for me.