only negative thoughts keep channeling through my fingers, i type and erase, type and erase. i've done this a dozen times today. my venting sounds like a broken record. it's dragging me down. being here is one large hard swallow, i need for the doors to open, letting me run into outside. i suspect this is why i've been feeling ill these days. i need an out soon.

about this time every year, i take inventory. there seems to be more cons than pros on the list these days. what can i do to change this? i feel i've closed myself off. too many reasons why but none of them good enough really. maybe trying has finally burned me out. i don't want to budge. don't want to swallow the bullshit that people seem to dish out. god, i know there's so much beauty and good out there, but it seems so far out of reach.

maybe i'm dead and in purgatory?
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