the most courageous thing a woman can do is to walk away from a bad situation, and find a place that is safe, mentally and physically. too many stay put for reasons that just aren't good enough. i know. i've been there. and it took about 2 years to get out. it was really tough. i was in the midst of going back to school. i had 2 jobs.

when you find yourself doing shots of liquor because it's the only thing that'll keep your head straight so that you can learn 200+ bones for anatomy test, it's time to rethink decisions that you thought were good...

when you find yourself-
-locked up in the bathroom, running the water to drown out the screaming and pounding on the door...
-dreading coming home after a 14-15 hour day...
-sleeping on the couch...
-worrying about the safety of your pets...
-worrying about your own safety...

it's time to go.

defeated and deflated people will always try to squeeze what little self-respect you have left. their way of making sure you're tied to the anchor they're holding, as it slowly sinks to the bottom of the sea.

untie the knot, take a hot bath. pack your books and pets, and leave.
~~~

i recently had a doctor's appointment for my annual check-up. my other doc left the state so this was my first visit, i was a new patient. i filled out the 3 page form, answered all of the questions and met with the doc in her office. she asked me a few questions...

and when she asked had i ever been abused (mentally/physically) i stalled. i began my answer with a question, "well, does....?) she didn't miss a beat. she said, "it all counts". i said without hesitation, yes. both. she asked if i was still in the situation and i said i moved out. i left the state. and he has no clue where i am.

i've been here about 4 years. on my own. just me and the kitties. paying bills up the yin/yang. trying to finish school. working at a job i've grown to dislike. every now and then, i find myself complaining about living in this apartment, in this area.

then i get a wake-up call, in the form of a dream, and i can feel his hot breath as he pushes the air out of his mouth, nasty names...and threats...

i may wake-up alone. but i wake up:
-when i want to
-safe
-on my own
-thinking whatever i want to think
-safe.

do what you need to do for yourself and those that depend on you. never trade your dignity, self-respect, and saftey for illusions. illusions usually end up being feeble attempts at normalcy. i'll take crazy instead.