A little history lesson in my life today

For the past few days I have been dealing with a lot of different emotions like a roller coaster ride with many hills that go up and down, loopy loops, and corkscrews going left and right. I can admit that if I chose a couple of roller coasters and Six Flags,I would choose the Demon and the Whizzer rides because my two favorite rides since I was a young girl. Before Six Flags, the place was called Marriott Great America I believe in Gurnee, Illinois. I have been there three to four times, and Noah’s Ark twice in my lifetime, and Dollywood and the Grand Ole Opry once when I was in Tennessee with a few others who were in UCP (Cerebral Palsy Palsy) Apartment Program in the early 1990s when getting to and from places for me was so much easier for me. Back then I was in my 20s and very mobility conscious and able to walk far. Those few days in Tennessee, though, I had a boot cast because a week before I went on vacation, I had found out that my right foot had a fracture and I did nor walk great distances, but could effortlessly, but our UCP director and her husband wanted me to enjoy the trip without any worries. I could take my boot off and get in the shower or tub without help because I could hop and wobble without falling at that time, and was able to get around. Not like today, I can no longer just stand up and grab my walker and get around. Those days are not gone, but things have changed in past 30 years, when I was in my mid and late 30s. I began using a four prong cane, a single prong cane, and back to a four prong cane, then my a 4-wheeled walker. My balance, equilibrium, failed me and I no longer did not feel safe. Then when I got sick with Covid in 2022 and a month later found I had a hematoma that made it difficult to walk to the point I could NOT move my legs, and had a blood infection because of contaminated heparin was put in my blood stream, I had to relearn to walk again.

During the time and present day, almost 3 years ago in September, I have been dealing with what I call my abled-body self to my now self has been a struggle until earlier this year when Jackie and my mom were able to convince me that I have come a long way on my own and having help for things I once did on my own is slow but steady, and a lot of it has been on my own which is the way I like it.

Ever Since A few days ago

Ever since the 17th, before Jackie got busy with her weekend and this week, I do have to admit that I have been dealing with emotional ups and downs, anger, happiness, wanting to cry and crying. During these ups and downs with things going on with me, I have been able to calm down while I talk through it out loud with myself arguing as if I scolding myself for being so dang stubborn and temperamental like the Karnopp men who are farmers and swear a lot. I have, while Jackie has been super busy, communicating with me through texts for medical purposes, I found myself calming down from my meltdown with no help and able to say what I need to say without getting tongue tied.

I Think I Realized Something

Losing Aunt Mary Unexpectedly in her Home

I have to accept myself all the way, meltdowns and all, talk to myself as I am a person looking at me asking self what my problem really is, and if I feel I need to talk to Jackie or Deb I am struggling with an issue right now I’m struggling with it because I’m not sure if I am at fault or not, and ,y brain is saying I said something that caused a snowball to roll down the hill to the bottom, and stop or explode into smaller snowballs.

Aunt Mary was my caregiver Jackie’s aunt by marriage, and her MIL she calls mom because of Jackie’s family issues being what they are in her life, found her sister at Mary’s apartment not responsive.Just two days before, I had asked Jackie a question that may have started the snowball down the hill and it stopped getting bigger and crashed into something because I said something unkind about Aunt Mary. Jackie reassured me that had been dealing with a lot and when Aunt Mary fell and broke her leg, her body was not dealing with her health the way it was at the time. At the time I panicked and I my thinking was not going where I could 🛑 stop thinking it or overthink it. Jackie called me to convince me she didn’t die because I thought I sent the snowball down the hill and 2 days later she died after breaking / fracturing her leg. Wow!

to be continued...