Hi, gorgeous.

It's hard to believe its been six months since I got to tell you I love you for the last time. I keep counting the days like we used to when you'd go off on business trips like I'm waiting for when you'll be back again. I know you're gone, but I keep speaking about you in the present tense like one of these days I'll wake up and this will have all been some kind of terrible dream. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss you, and how much I miss our little family (even when Merlin was being a little gremlin).

I stopped by where our house used to be this morning on the way home from work. It's still just a gaping hole in the row of townhouses (which still feels like an apt metaphor for your absence in my life). The dried remains of some of the flowers people hung still adorn the fence the county put up to prevent people from entering the area; It looks like some of them were globe amaranth flowers which I've included in the arrangement I have for you in the apartment. In Victorian flower language they represent immortal or undying love, which felt like a necessary addition. I don't know if the people who hung the flowers on the fence knew that, but I feel like you'd appreciate it all the same.

On top of today being six months since I got to see you again, it's also the start of Fanfest which is hitting me oddly hard? Our trip to Vegas for the last Fanfest was one of the only real vacations we really got to take together over the last few years. I'm remembering our adventures around the city (definitely not a place I'd frequent), but it was all made so much better because you were there. I miss our adventures, whether it was trips like that, or running around in game worlds together. I like to think we'd be in California right now running around on a similar adventure together right now if you were still here.

I've made some new friends in Final Fantasy XIV fairly recently. They're a pretty rad group, and I appreciate the smaller guild feel they have at this point. I haven't really felt like playing my usual character so I created a new one to play through the story again (originally for another friend of ours, but this group found me and pulled me in.) I really only log in to the character I played with you on to go into the house you decorated so I don't lose that as well. This group is on Dynamis so there were plenty of houses available and the free company got one fairly quickly once the option was available. I threw a lot of the money I had been saving up for the large house you wanted their way; they had a blast decorating the house and their rooms and it felt nice to share something you enjoyed with them as well (even if only a couple of them know about my reasons behind the scenes.)

I'm still in therapy, and at this point I've also been to a psychiatrist to try to help me not be the biggest mess of a human being. The lexapro I was put on makes things... easier? I think? Normally my emotions are whole body feelings, but since getting on this it's more like everything just stays in my head? It's almost like seeing emotions through a logical lens if that makes any kind of sense; like I know I'm feeling a certain way, but I don't have all the other feelings that go along with it usually. I suppose on one hand its been a little nice not breaking down into a weeping mess on such a regular basis (now it's only an every other day or so occurrence instead of a daily one,) but I almost feel guilty for it? More than anything I just wish you were here still.

I knew coming into this week things were going to be difficult. The preliminary hearing for the man accused of setting the fire was on Monday, and is going forward to the grand jury next month with the full trial set for late August. They played your 911 call in open court at the hearing, and while your family, myself, and some of our friends who came stepped out of the courtroom for it the staff didn't realize how loud the volume was. I couldn't personally make out any of the words you said, but I heard enough through your voice how scared you were. I wish I was there with you, baby; I wish you hadn't had to face that alone.

The hardest thing to learn about has been the timing of everything. I know the "what if" mentality won't help anything, but if I hadn't left so early that night maybe things would be different? It seems like the fire was set maybe 20-30 minutes after I left. It's entirely possible things would be different if I hadn't left so early. I was so ready to get everything done so we could enjoy our vacation together, gorgeous.

I miss seeing you smile. I miss the way you'd giggle when I'd grab you and plant a bunch of kisses on the top of your head. I miss your smug little "I win" smirk you'd get when you were feeling particularly confident about something. I miss teasing you with the Josh Strife Hayes "Gamer Girl" video once in awhile and then being your healer when we'd play games together. I miss hearing your voice. I miss holding you, snuggling up in bed together on lazy days. I still feel weird at noon on Sundays because that's when I'm supposed to bring you a coffee protein shake in bed because Sunday was your stay in bed until whenever you felt like day and I wanted to make sure you were taken care of.

I miss you. I'm trying to stop letting myself fall into the pit of not wanting to try to move on anymore. I keep returning to the image of what's there now where our house used to be; so much of our life was there. You were there. Merlin and Morgan were there. All our efforts together were there. Our life together was there, and now it's just an empty void where our life should be.

I love you, Madelaine. You should still be here. We should still be happy together like we were up until the worst night of my life. I'm going to keep trying to move forward even when I'm not wanting to. I miss you.