Hi, gorgeous.

It's really hard to focus on anything but you right now. I'm trying to keep going, and I'm trying to make an attempt at performing "normal," but "normal" always started and ended with you. What I'm doing right now feels wrong. It feels like I'm just a puppet with tangled strings desperately trying to go through motions I'm incapable of performing. The more I think about it the more the word "perform" keeps coming to mind. I'm trying to LARP a version of myself that seems like he has things together, and it's not going especially well.

I miss you, Madelaine. I miss our life together. I'm starting this journaling because our life together has changed me in a lot of ways. I keep going back and reading through our various text threads, and it never really occurred to me in those moments how we never stopped talking to each other. I shared everything with you; every thought, every feeling no matter what it was. I used to hide a lot of these sorts of thoughts and feelings, but I can't seem to anymore. I don't know if that's something I'll fall back into now that you're gone. Talking to you has been the thing I've found myself missing the most.

I keep thinking back to our last night together. You weren't feeling well and we spent a good portion of the afternoon cuddled up in bed together. We got Bento House, and you sat behind me at your computer giggling and laughing with your friends like so many other nights. Merlin and Morgan were doing their usual stroll abouts for attention when they weren't lazing about, and we were all happy together. I remember leaving for work that night; reminding you it was our last work day before our week off work together for your birthday. You smiled (I love your smile), and it was the last time I got to tell you I love you. I keep wondering if there was anything I could have noticed or done to avoid losing you.

One of the most striking things we would say to each other keeps repeating in my mind: "You are my forever." I don't think I've ever meant something so deeply. I never said it lightly, and I don't think you did either. I don't want to be in this world that's moving on without you in it. I'm trying to focus on our happy memories together without them going dark with renewed realization. I'm going to keep writing to you, because the thought of not talking to you anymore isn't something I can handle.

I love you, Madelaine. You are my forever.