Hi, gorgeous.

Today makes a month that you've been gone, and this is the slowest time has felt in my life. It still doesn't feel real. I don't want to believe you're gone.

You're an amazing partner, gorgeous. I keep looking back at messages from around the time you were out of town for a couple weeks last year. We were such massive babies about being away from each other for so long (we kept referring to it as forever and a half). I've always felt wanted with you, and I don't think I've thanked you enough for that.

I took Tobias sightseeing this past weekend along with my family. I missed you throughout the day, but I managed to hold it together until later at night. I kept thinking how you'd probably be able to point out historic buildings that you'd written proposals for work on, or talk about the work your company had done on them over the past handful of years. I think you would have really enjoyed seeing Tobias in the Air and Space museum; he was really excited to see so much stuff up close (and I could have gotten some more pictures of the three of us together as a family. They've really been some of my favorites to look at these past few weeks).

I saw a couple of our friends for dinner last week (yes, they're still happily together.) It was nice getting to see and talk to them; we spent a good bit of time talking about how their lives have been going, interesting family dynamics, and the perils of being labeled an elusive significant other. We talked about some of your more intriguing culinary ideas (the chipotle lime gummies/sherbet will forever be stuck in my mind) and other happy memories. I really appreciate getting to spend time with them (they also forgot how quick I am to pay the bill. Get dunked on.)

I miss you, gorgeous. I don't feel whole without you. I'm trying to find a way forward because I think you'd want me to keep going, but I really don't want to. I keep looking at our pictures together, and I want our lives back. I want our quiet evenings at home with Merlin and Morgan being little gremlins at four in the afternoon because they want dinner already. I want the home we worked so hard to make together back.

I love you. I miss talking to you. More than anything I miss talking to you. I hope Merlin and Morgan are behaving while you all wait for me.