Hi, gorgeous.
It's about 5:30 AM and I've been here at work for about 9 and a half hours now and I'm struggling to keep focus on things other than you. This isn't new; every work day since the fire I tend to unravel somewhere around 5-7 AM since that's when we would usually start messaging back and forth (though if it was this early it was because you couldn't sleep). I'm thankful I have a code to my door that isn't well known so I have a place to come cry when things inevitably become overwhelming.
I've tried my best to avoid descending into regrets and what ifs, but I haven't been able to avoid it at all for one topic: I never got to ask you to marry me; not really, anyway. We had talked about it a number of times, and you even knew my plan for an engagement ring. I wanted to make it myself using stones gathered from trips together (we even went to Emerald Hollow mine down in North Carolina hoping to find an emerald for this). You told me that was the most romantic thing you had heard, and in that moment it became my plan. I wanted you to have that feeling, knowing what went into the crafting of that symbol of my love for you. I've appreciated those that knew us telling me how happy you were, how you would have said yes, that our relationship was something to strive toward, and a number of other very nice sentiments that I wish helped me not feel this way.
I took for granted that we would have so much more time together, and I let the perfect idea get in the way of the good. We were partners, and I'd have put our relationship as on par with any married couple's. One of the worst parts of this is that I can't help your family in so many ways now; on paper I was only your boyfriend so I have no legal standing to assist in any legal matters. It's a helpless feeling cloaked in regret and I can't stand it.
I'm sorry I took for granted that we would have more time together. I'm sorry I let my idea of perfect stand in the way of what I think we both wanted. I'm sorry, Madelaine.
I love you. I don't want to be here without you.
Comments (3)
I have never lost a love like you have can’t imagine the pain you are feeling all i can say is sorry for your loss i do however somewhat feel your pain through your entrys
Grief hits people in different ways. I’ve my paternal grandmother in 1997, and 2003, and uncle in 1997, and aunt I 2023, and another uncle here days before his 91st birth. My dad had and brother Larry a.k.a Butch
The status of 'partner' in these situations with family members is SO painful. I know what it's like, and I feel for you.