Hi, gorgeous.

I'm sorry I haven't written for a while. There's been a lot going on over the last couple months, but I promise I haven't stopped thinking about you this whole time. I miss you.

There have been a lot of memories arising these last few weeks. New traditions starting. A new place to live and a worry that nowhere is ever really going to feel like home again now that you're gone. My first birthday without you celebrating with me making me feel like maybe it is worth celebrating.

I was looking through the pictures of/related to you on my phone and was reminded of a Valentine's Day date we had a couple years ago. It was a fairly normal date night for us: favorite hibachi/sushi place, taking you to the book store and following you around carrying the books you wanted, but the movie that night seemed perfect for us: Lisa Frankenstein. It's been two years, and I had forgotten just how much it felt like that movie was made for you. It was the type of dark romance we always appreciated together, and the final scene was like something we would have written as the ending of one of our love stories. I'll be watching this every Valentine's Day from now on thinking about you, and how so many of our own stories had those similar themes.

I'm back living on my own again. I found a fairly nice apartment, but I didn't get to tour it before moving in so there's a big issue I know you would've hated: way too many mirrors around in the dark; you would have hated that. There is a nice in-wall shelf as you walk in which I've filled with pictures and smaller mementos of you. I was given some flowers on Valentine's Day (I went over to our friends' house so we could all watch the movie together, and I think they agree about it basically being made for you,) but they're on their last legs at this point. It did give me the idea of getting some silk flowers for the shelf, though, with a focus on the Victorian flower language you had made art around.

I'm happy to be in a bed again, and being back on my own seems like the more "me" thing to do in the vein of Ken figuring out life without Barbie. I know its only been about a month, but it doesn't feel like home. These past few years "home" was where you were; home was you. I'm by myself so everything is fairly neat and orderly. Things are in their place. All I want is our bedroom and bathroom with your piles of clothes everywhere. I want to look around and see those reminders that we live together, that this is home, that you're there.

My pictures made sure to remind me of my birthday from two years ago; you got us tickets to Distant Worlds. The pictures of the trip to and from are still some of my favorite with you and Tobias, and it's still one of my favorite birthday gifts I've ever gotten. The Final Fantasy series has been a fairly constant presence through my life, and getting to hear so much of the music played by a live orchestra was pretty amazing. You had a knack for making me feel seen and appreciated. My birthday this year was mostly spent in bed. There were offers to do something, but I just didn't have it in me.

I miss you, Madelaine. I love you. I wish you were still here, or that this was one of our stories where I was the death knight with his lich queen, together for eternity. Or Taika and the Blade together in a dark forest, the nearby villages speaking in hushed tones about the Blood Witch and her red-furred werewolf protector. I wish I was still teasing you with the Josh Strife Hayes video where he facetiously comments on girls only being able to play healers in MMOs (and then always playing Sage in Final Fantasy 14, healing so you could play the tank).