H called.
Said he talked to someone about anger management counseling. That he was thinking to himself "If say, tommorow something were to happen to Sparkler, like death, would I regret how I spent this last year? Would I regret that I had not gone to get this counseling? What would it hurt me to do it really?"
He said that the church has a financial counselor also. That they are also conducting a marriage retreat in February. Would I want to come?
He said to me "Why cant I just let you go? I get so angry at you, I want a divorce, but then in a day or so I think, No I want to be with her."
He also has been offered by his employer this....
Boss will give him promotion, along with it $8000. This is to pay off his debts. He has to spend a year in the midwest. After completing it he can set up an office in Cali. But, he has to sign a contract, stating he will stay with the company for 5 years. YOWSA. That was a new spin. I told him "You realize they will own you then?" and I asked him why such a long time contract?
He said because of what they are offering him. They have never offered to anyone, that they are basically giving him his bonuses up front.
We both spoke about our situations. How we both seem to have good jobs that are surrounded with blessings.
But as far as us? We are both stumped.
We spoke about why its so hard to let go.
I said to him "Well because we wont be cutting ties, We will still be in one anothers lives, we have children"
We cannot just break free you know?
I also shared with him my fears about extended families, step children, step parents. How maybe there is a set of things to deal with now. But then a divorce will be a new set of difficult cirumstances.
We both know that neither of us wants to be alone. That if we were to part, we both would want to have a partner and settle down. We both desire this.
Like I always say, alot of the above are good steps as far as words. But the proof is in the doing so, going to the counseling, seeing results.
So its my turn to find some type of regular constant counseling for myself on a regular basis. Not sure what I will figure up just yet.
I would prefer it be a christian person. But its $45 just for the cheapest intern at the christian counseling center, and I dont want to go the pastor route unless I knew of a pastor who knows how to deal with abuse/infedility issues. Not just someone who smacks you on the wrists and says "Knock it off sinner"
I have spent the last,,, oh lets see,,,, ummmm almost 5 yrs now? Of my life confiding in men. Men I have made friends with and been with from the internet.
Why have I retreated to this internet land? I broke down crying tonight. I just felt so frustrated. I spent the first 5 yrs of my marriage enduring. Being the good christian girl, following Gods word. ANd watching things just get worse and worse with my H and I.
My H said tonight "So who failed? Was it GOd or You?" I didnt like that statement. Cause if you get technical. I did. But Im just being honest. After 5 yrs of living your life in a godly manner, and your spouse walking all over it yet using scriptures and acting like a Godly man to others outside of you, I lost it. Plain and simply my attitude reached a place of "Well Im accused all the time for things I am not doing. I am miserable and depressed. I can remember just being a stay home mommy and crying doing the dishes at the sink, Laying in bed not wanting to get out in the AM.
I finally just said FUCK IT ALL one night. I didnt care anymore. Here I spent my life feeling that dying to self is the right way to go. Its what the Bible says, so why was I so miserable? Im supposed to be a martyr for Christ is what the Bible says right?
Im not saying what I did was right, just saying how I reached the point of taking off to meet a man.
I was tired! I had had enough. I just wanted to be heard for once, I didnt want to be judged, I wanted to smile, I wanted to have fun. And I really didnt contemplate any of the consequences. All I knew was i needed to run, I needed to feel good again. And I sought that out.
And my H has lost a part of me since that day. I no longer trusted him with all of my thoughts and fears. I no longer saw him as my only best friend. I no longer felt safe with him in all areas.
Its been that way now since.
And he wants me to leave it all behind. My internet male friends.
I can agree with it, yet at same time does one put a rule book on a person of no chatting with men on the internet?
How far does this go?
I dont know how any of this is supposed to work. Im not commiting to something again, and within 4 mos or so ending up back where I started wanting to break free from the rules.
Something different has to happen God.
Cause the past methods just sure havent worked.