Its about 9:15pm.
Just got in a bit ago from the Dance class.
I like it, but it ends too fast and we dont get enough practice, were supposed to get our CDs tonight but they didnt have them yet. Bummer, kinda hard practicing middle eastern dance without the music.
Anyways, I just came home tonight, Feel sorta empty.
Craving Coke and Popcorn. Oh now isnt that nutricious? I did make the popcorn but poured a glass of water, Must resist the Coke.
Just had some licorice. Sugar is my drug of choice. So its my comfort food.
I think of all these shows, hearing about people with disorders and such, how they are tormented in their own minds and are unhappy with it but dont know how to stop or get out.
I much feel the same way.
People arent in my head. They arent hearing what I hear or think or feel or believe.
They dont know now about my feelings about making decisions.
How I feel that either choice that I make I feel it will be wrong or mean unhappiness.
So how can one make a choice when they feel their options wont bring peace to their life or happiness?
Everyone has a word to say or an opinion on my situation.
Fine. Just doesnt make it easy for me. I still view things thru my eyes and Im in my circumstance.
I can only describe it best like this......
Im on a road. I have 2 choices in front of me. I jump on one road. And then am afraid. I jump off the path and then head for a new one. I head down it happily singing, then see the fears on this path, I turn around and high tail it back to the other path, embarking on each one, afraid of each, both feeling like each one leads to nowhere.
Its like Heres
PATH A
It provides some security, some comfort, its like an old tattered blankie that you cant get rid of. You secretly hold onto it, but then are ashamed if anyone sees it. You spend your time telling yourself I DONT NEED IT, then when you are alone or sad, you go and pull it out and hold on to it. COnstantly saying you need to give it up, but you dont.
But on Path A you loose your carefreeness, your spunk, your rebellious side that pushes limits of yourself. You reside yourself to a path that is "OK" but not really what you enjoy. And then you walk around with a part of you that seems to long for the other path, dreaming about, secretly desiring it.
Then theres Path B
This path leads to fun and laughter and parties and freedom.
But also this path screams of my belief core. As if its the end of the prodigal son story, who wants his inheritance and runs off enjoying life, yes he enjoys it for a time, but soon winds up poor, eating with pigs out of a trough. And I fear that that is my outcome in the end.
But I spent many years on Path A. And always longed for the other.
I cried and longed inside for it, and tried to maintain the Right Road called A. But I couldnt bare it, had to veer off the path into the woods and run around and see what I was missing, but then afraid to stay there long for being attacked by something, and then running back to the security I find in Road A.
Im caught in 2 places.