Ok here I am. My H is offered a good job promotion in the midwest. A nice small town living, good environment for children. Christian employer who wants to reach out and help him grow. School system is excellent there. No more city living as I know it. No more Los Angeles, gangs, low lifes just down the street. Not that those arent anywhere but not to the degree it is where I am at.
What would I do there? I have a job here in Cali that I cannot just get anywhere else. My job is rare and created for me.
At one time in my life. I had a great love for working with children. I had done this ever since I was old enough. And I went on to work with other families. It changed once I had my own. I had more responsibilities and that desire dwindled. Was it what God wanted me to do? I feel so far from that woman.
I love my children, yet also cherish my time alone. I welcome a babysitter just so I can get out now and then. And I so badly wish I could be out more.
I feel in a way that I am selfish for desiring such things.
So what could I do in the midwest, that is up my alley?
Only things that came to mind? Get a old home and start a bed and breakfast.
H had said that I could open an antique store. I immediatly dismissed this idea. I like antiques, but I just dont see that as my thing, sitting behind a counter all day setting up the stuff. I dunno, I just havent had that desire for such.
So then what do I leave behind in Cali?
First off MY SECURITY.
My Job that I totally adore. My job that came as a savior in many ways to my situation and happiness. I cannot place all my joy in a job, but I do get a great portion of satisfaction from it.
I LOVE GOING TO WORK. Few of us discussed this one day, that if we won the lottery we wouldnt quit working there, One of the workers thought we were weird, 2 of us said "Why would we want to leave? This is the best job we ever had?"
Also my job is rare. And it gives me so many other opportunities and doorways to MY future in a career.
I dont talk much, I keep a lot of it internal. Because I feel at times Im not good enough. But I desire to work more in the entertainment industry. Dancing and acting.
I have been wanting to do this also since highschool, but my shyness held me back and I kept it quiet.
But then again I feel that I am selfish for wanting such. I seek after something that thrives on adoration from others. I am a attention seeker. I admit it, and when one comes out of their shyness shell. They welcome attention.
I love Cali, I love the weather. I love that Im in my hometown, that I can drive my kids to my old street to visit the old man I visited as a little girl.
I love that my parents are here, that mom can babysit, that Gma is a big part of my kids lives, I never really knew my grandparents.
I love having the assurance that if me or the kids are sick, Gma can help out. She will not always be there, and Im so very lucky to have her.
Am I holding on to much to Mommy? How can I not, when she has bailed us out when the H failed to work? When the H had health emergeny things because of his lack of taking care and she lent him the money, when my Mom paid the mortgage for us when he quit his jobs irresponsibly. When we were apart this past year Gma brought us food, and love to make sure we were ok.
My H tried to tell me that his employer back there is just as generous. THat one man brings his newborn to work.
I asked H "Can I find another job where they allow me to stay home if my kids are sick? without fear of losing too many days?" I said to H "Will I enjoy sitting behind a desk doing an office type job?"
I love my sunshine, I love my warm weather. I love my trendy clothes. I love that I have Los Angeles, the beaches and everything closeby.
My lil dream has always been. A beach house and a Jeep Wrangler. Funny eh? But its always been my dream.
H has the house in the mountains dream, maybe with a lake nearby.
I crave people and interaction.
He enjoys the solace and quiet.
So why must I be the one to give up my dreams for him?
But here we are at a crossroads.
And most of all, if I go to the midwest. Will his temper continue? Will I be stuck away from everyone I know. Yet my aunts uncles and cousins do live 4 hrs away from where H will be.
H said after a year he can set up an office in Cali. That I can come back.
But I do not know if that will be true. I cannot believe that so easy. Cause things can always change. Once I give up the house. I loose it. I loose my security for the kids and I? Will my job be available when I return? After a year?
Why is it on my shoulders?
Yet I have to say his package looks good for a family environment. My question is where do I fit into all of that?