Well I guess this entry is more directed at God.
I sat here, pouring thru the Psalms. Looking at each chapter.
Many are of cries for help, suffering, mercy, forgiveness and such.
I read and read.
Its like Im trying to find some missing puzzle pieces. Some magic verse that stands out as it never did before and tells me the answers for my life.
Trying to apply the Bible to modern times. People say the message is timeless. Its just so many situations are different now, culture is different. Yes I believe God remains the same. But I do not have Gods mind. I have the Holy Spirit working thru me, along with the flesh.
Its almost as if one side of me says to do something. And Im so fearful to do it. Yet tell myself I must take risks and do it.
But the other part of me says "You have taken these risks over and over again, to no avail, to be further down in misery"
So I do not see which is the lesser of 2 evils too choose?
I spent way to many years being the martyr christian wife.
Is that really all there is for me God?
Is that where you want me? To go on and continue being long suffering? Didnt I go on long enough for you???!!! Bible says God will not give us more then we can handle. So what went wrong God? I couldnt handle it anymore, I rebelled. I rebelled for some peace in my sadness, some reprive from the tears on my pillow each night.
I just feel like I cant escape it God. If I stay or go, I feel my life is doomed to tears on my pillow.