Well the H left before 5am this morning. Had to catch a flight out. He did work his butt off while he was here. I thanked him repeatly for all his hard work. To drive out for days then arrive and do work, its draining Im sure. I told him how much I appreciated it all.
He bought our Christmas Tree last night. I have been exhausted, so has he. So we just picked one really fast, I didnt feel like taking a lot of time to find the "Perfect" tree. So we must have gotten back to the house around 7pm. He then crawled up in the attic to run the phone line and drill holes for it to go into the office. Then he found out there was a firewall there, so I made it simpler and told him to run it thru the holes where the cable was for now.
He also had to cut down the tree and we put it in the stand after that.
We all just laid around exhausted. The kids have been overly energetic I have noticed. Its draining. Maybe just cause Dad is around. But its really hard to calm them down in the evenings for bed time.
Well my little one saw the Glory of Christmas at the Crystal Cathedral. And guess what his first comment was when we picked him up?
"MOMMY! Guess what! The camels pooped on the floor!"
Ahhh yes, being a kid. HAHA the memorable moments we hold as kids. Just as I remember walking in parades as a young Campfire Girl and avoiding horse doo doo.
He had a good time, he really liked it, said he saw real fire and the Burning Bush. And the flying angels, its really quite a production to see.
He had another event Friday to see the Nutracker at the Theatre here in town, and he has his own Christmas program this week. The H said "Damn hes gonna be the most cultured of this family after finishing Kindergarten!"
No Joke, The private school is small and they seem to take field trips OFTEN, the Performing Arts theatre has been a regular place for him to visit now.
H and I sat and talked last night. Its kinda hard to have a total man fast with the MAN around. :) haha. So today Im back to having my alone time. It actually went well. Last nights convo I shared a lot of what I had been writing about with him.
I actually stated info I read on the verbal and mental abuse website about "echoing" when I tell him something and he turns it back around at me, avoids questions, then I forget what it was we were talking about and get confused. So it happened last night. I called him on it, explained what was going on, and he just kinda got silent and said "Your right" he couldnt even remember what the start of the convo was, I told him about how I get lost, and we had a perfect example.
I also talked to him about the lying. About how he says things, then a week or 2 later something else. And how Im starting to connect it all. I didnt do this talking to him in a accusatory manner. Very calm and explaining it. Laying it out.
He did admit to the lying. He explained his reasoning. He wants attn, accolades, praise, and he feels I get it all the time from people around me.
I told him "Do you realize though, the very thing you want, the praise, when you share something now, I dont believe it, and I just think "Yeah whatever" to myself, so you are not getting the result you want by doing this?" which Im not the only one who sees this, others reach that point also. He said he realized this, so I said "Then why do you do it?" He said "Cause Im spontaneous?" I said "No thats not what Im asking you, what reason is behind it? Why do you feel you have to lie, to make up things?" and of course its to be liked to be admired. I said "They very result you seek to gain, you are getting the opposite" he said he agreed.
I told him "This is tough for me, I see a lot of denial and lying of your own problems. I cant tell you what to do, you may see it differently, that is ok, but for me, this is part of the big problem, you not seeing your own need for personal change. And Im not talking saying "Im changing" but taking steps and reaching out for that help outside of yourself."
He listened, he then stopped and prayed with me. He did thank God for using me to show him these things about himself, but then he said "forgive me for my white lies"
A Lie is a lie dangit. Thats the denial part I see, the minimizing, the "Oh Its not THAT bad" but hey its a step right?
::Shrug::
I went to the gym yesterday. The guy that I see everyday came and talked to me, we talked about our kids, just funny though, mine are little ones, his girls are close to my age. So now I have a better gage of his age, must be in his 40s.
He came over and told me to try something different with the calf press, to position my legs different also to help shape the legs when I use it. He also said that he will teach me some things I can do for my wrists, he said he used to work on a computer also, and found something that works and he doesnt have the problem anymore, so next time he agreed to show me.
Well I noticed I got thru lifting the 10 pd hand weights easier yesterday, Imma gonna be like Popeye, you just watch! haha. Long way to go I know, but hey its a start!
I need to call the outreach group office I go to. I want to find a counselor, therapist, shrink, whatever it is, one that deals specifically with relationships like this, I need something more specialized so as not to waste my time and money.
I ordered another book yesterday. THe reviews on it are good but quite strong like "DONT READ this book if you have not already gotten some help or gotten therapy cause it can revicitimize you all over again" So Im up for the challange of this book. It deals with mental verbal abuse relationships, but from the end of the victim and how not to be the victim. About Your own responsibility.
So Ill give a review if I find it beneficial.
I need to get my Christmas shopping done, so will probably attempt that this week. I dont have to buy a lot of presents, just mainly take care of the kids, my family doesnt buy gifts for everyone anymore, its too much, so we all just buy for the kids now. So just all my Nieces and Nephews, which I can handle no prob, just gets harder for me with my brothers boys, they are teenagers now, so gotta find out what they are into.
Oh! I got an email this Am from my girlfriend!
I have known her since I was 4. She was my very first best friend ever. Funny that she didnt live here in town long, her parents divorced, but her Dad lived on my street still, so we saw one another during visits each year.
We wrote letters though for Many Many years. It was so much fun. It was like Dear Diary in a way. Page after page letters we would write spilling our gutts out. She draws also, so she would draw me pictures.
Its funny to think of us. How different we are, yet I love and adore her.
She has had a rough life, been thru a lot, she wrote me for my address via email for Christmas cards, so I updated her on life briefly. Shes in NY so I checked in with her after Sept 11th to make sure she was ok.
She has been my free spirit friend. Unique, my parents have both adored her also, which my mother can be quite judgemental of people but she always has loved this girl.
I have greeted "J" my friend so many occassions.
She went thru her gypsy phase, she dressed like one.
She then informed me she was Gay.
She has lived in places near cemeteries, telling me stories of ghosts.
She is a dancer, and poses for nude art.
So my suprise to get a Christmas card that she had a "boyfriend" a few years ago, and she has been with him ever since.
Heres the email this AM,,
Hi S!
It's great to hear from you. It sounds like you have really been going through alot this year. You are very strong to be handling all the decisions for yourself and your kids, but you are such a smart and loving perosn, I know you are doing a great job. I'm glad to hear that the lawyer is protecting your interests with the child support and alimony.
I hope that you and your family have a good christmas- no matter what happens, follow your instincts for what is best for you and the kids!
D(her man) is good. He is working his butt off like always, I think it makes him happy. His business is doing pretty well, especially considering how shaky the economy has been, all over the US and in the city.
I am in my last week of classes for this semester, next week is finals- Joy! I am also hauling ass getting my grad school applications together. I am applying to PhD programs in Social-Personality psychology, which means that I'll have a career doing research, writing, and teaching. I used to think that research sounded so boring- I found out I love it! I have been writing my senior thesis using data collected from a research center that I hooked up with. The data is 50 long, qualitative (open- ended questions that elicit story type responses) interviews with gay male escorts. The project is funded by the National Institute of Health, and explores the context of risky sexual behavior in gay men. My personal research is independent of theirs- I am writing about stigma in the lives of male escorts. Last week I got to guest lecture a human sexuality class! I had a blast.
I am really looking forward to having alittle time off for christmas. D and I might go to New Orleans for a little vacation- we haven't had time off together for a year and a half!
J
I really would like to see her again. I think its been 4 yrs since we last saw eachother in person. I do miss her.
Well said enough for now, off to work!