Since I have been in my group. My moderator looked at me because I felt I was to blame, I went to the guys place. I knew better, I had been warned. Moderator of group said to me "How dare you trust people and believe the best in them"
OF course in a sarcastic yet serious tone he said that. Trying to convey to me that I did not walk in that mans door saying I wanted to have Sex.
A lot of people are not always the best to confide in or discuss some things. There is a lot of, "You stupid why did you do that?" Well thats really helpful you know? After someone has been victimized to say such a thing, really what good do such words do? How about venting the "You stupids" back at the person who took advantage?
My H and I were in Christian counseling. With a intern but these were liscensed people. Not thru a church but a center. I shared with our counselor my story below. I spent a whole session since my H went and told her about this. First off that should have been my story to tell her, not him. But I obliged, and she spent and hour questioning me about what happened. When I was done she looked at me and said...
"Well maybe that is why God had you married so young, :::she pauses::: to protect you"
I opened up my painful story. And that was all I got in the end. I drove home crying, something didnt feel right that night. My H wondered what was up with me. I told him I felt so raw and exposed, and what did I do all that for? What was the point?
I was urged to call my counselor and tell her how I felt, so I did a few days later. She apologized and said she was out of time so she couldnt spend much else more with me. Then I asked what all that was for? Why she asked all that. She said "Well thats for later on, you wont see it right now" and that was it?
After 5 mos of seeing this woman I walked out of her office and stood up for myself and said I was done going there.
Anyways, here is my entry I wrote while ago about what happened.....
11 Sep 2000 - Rape
Part 1
You persisted to get near me
Even when I wouldnt look your way
With all your efforts
I finally decided to listen to your for once and stay.
I was vulnerable and young
Naive and trusting
I wanted to get into your world
And you made me feel you wanted the same
You knew my beliefs.
Where I stood in my faith,
How I didnt sleep around
Yet at your place that day
When I asked you to slow down
I was greeted with a Fist
And teeth clenched threats.
Even though you never put that fist to me,
The fact you put it next to my face will always be with me.
Funny how we ask Why do women stay with men who hurt?
But I became guilty as I continued to return to your door.
I didnt stay with you, nothing more was ever given a chance.
My life moved on and I never saw you again not a glance.
Part 2
Out one day, I hear your voice from behind.
Asking if I say Hello to old friends
Or do I pay no mind?
I smiled at you and you smiled at me
Many years had passed.
We are new people now. Marriage, jobs at last.
I have belief that people are good and can change
I let us become friends
Those days spent talking with you
I felt we had made amends.
You knew my situation at home, you knew my pain
I knew you were having problems also
But I never hit on you or asked for something more
Thinking Im smart
Here I sit vulnerable, in your house
As tears pour from my eyes talking about the pain in my life,
Your wife away with family.
You take this as your "cue" to make a move on me.
The shock within me is enormous
I fucking trusted you again!
Here I am in your bed where you and your wife make love
And you want my pants off as I tell you No over and over.
I screamed at you in my head. Told myself to get out.
But what could I do,Its dark, Im away from home, you picked me up, my husband is away.
My minds only way to cope with the situation was to manipulate you back. You are a bastard! You thought I would be like all those school girls youve raped.
You never got to fuck me like you wanted, I played you.
The drive home, your hand on my leg saying " Remember Im your friend first" on the outside I smiled at you, on the inside Im screaming FUCK YOU! You will never see me again.
I had to smile to save myself and escape.
I PITY YOUR WIFE. If she only knew! I know this isnt a first for you. I know you have raped women. Your one of those people who makes women feel like they wanted it.
Part 3
Yes I told my Better half about you
I couldnt hold it in any longer
He called you on the phone
And your evil lies were stronger
The sweet words dripping off your tongue
Telling him how I came to you in need
How I was a poor abused housewife
And you couldnt turn me away.
You were screwing with his mind to
Just as you had me.
I know you are evil
I know that you lie!
You offer to meet with us
TO HELP US WITH OUR MARRIAGE?
You say Im the world, how special I am
How youd never turn me away.
You are evil itself with phoney facade
Your hump women like a dog in heat
You overpower women with soft words
And move in for the kill when the last thing on there mind is sex!
You will pay one day
Fuck Off!
Girls, Women. I was almost raped. I escaped. But I can remember the situation. How my body shut down and went numb. How I talked in my head, told myself to get away. But my body wouldnt move. Does this make me wanting it? NO! And I did get the courage to use the word No repetively. The mind is amazing. I knew I was trapped. I knew reacting to him in anger would get me hurt. So I had to pour on the fucking fake charm to manipulate him back. I saved my ass that day, well God was , whoever was there watching over me.
And guys, when a woman is in an emotional point in her life. DONT try to screw her. Worst thing you can do.