Just got finished watching one of those "Hollywood True Stories" on the show Growing Pains from the 80s.
Wow so much goes on that you still didnt know back then behind the scenes.
Which is funny cause I followed all the teen mags back then, My best friend had a crush on Kirk Cameron while I had my Johnny Dep crush. We had our walls plastered with posters, and wed sit down and write fan letters together with decorated envelopes.
So after watching the show tonight, I had know that Kirk Cameron was a Christian. But I had no idea what went on behind the scenes after his born again conversion. He refused to do scenes, insisted on working with the writers, upset that his character would tell a lie to his Dad, upset that he as a grown young man character would have a key to his girlfriend on the shows apartment, he said "Why does Mike Seaver have a key? Doesnt this give the impression that they are sleeping together if he has a key to her apartment?" He refused to play a scene where he is in bed with a girl, and the scene was a play. Not even his character really with someone, but his character acting in a play. And then the Nanny who played his girlfriend on the show. She was in playboy previously and how he treated her differently after his conversion.
Im not downing the guy. Because I have been there. As I watched this I wonder what happens to some of us christians that we veer off to one side so strongly?
It made me wonder what kinda church he was in. Seeing the resemblance in how he was to how I was.
At one point Kirk called the head guy at CBS saying that the 3 directors of Growing Pains were pornographers. And the end of that year after 6 yrs writing for the show, the 3 writers all quit Growing Pains.
It just makes me flash back. I think the most horrific thing for me, is thinking how I refused to go to Hs brothers new apartment where he lived with his girlfriend. That I wouldnt even enter. They were living "Blatant sin" as I viewed it. And i refused to go.
Before that whole scenario there was a big blow out between my H and his brother. We were all in church, and his brothers girlfriend moved out here and lived with a woman from our church. For a period it was a cool time. Both the Hs brother and his girlfriend became Christians and accepted Christ. We all hung out together. Mind you the bro was out of highschool now and working. And his girlfriend had her last year of high school to complete and was on independent study living with the woman who ran the choir and assisted our youth group. But they were not aloud to go out alone. Only to run to get fast food. But that was it.
After time she couldnt live like that, And she wanted to live with Hs brother.
I was there that night.
Its very emotional for me to reflect back on it.
See, H and his bro lived at his Grandfathers yard, a family business. So they lived in a trailer and building right next door to one another. Being the ages of about 18 and 20( H is the oldest)
His bro brought his girlfriend in, and said she was gonna live with him. H opposed this and said No she could not, but his bro didnt care what H said. I was pretty much quiet and observing all this.
I dont know how everything escalated. But soon the H was yelling at his brother saying "Satan has gotten ahold of my brother" and his brother telling him to fuck off and walkign away. H was following close behind speaking things about God and sin.
His brother said "We are outta here" and grabbed there things and got to his car. H proceeded to tamper under the hood so they could not leave. My H was crying and saying "Satan has a hold of my brother!" and I was no crying and begging H to stop. I was running behind him saying "STOP PLEASE!" I ended up running back into Hs place and phoning the guy who ran our college bible study. I was crying and hysterical. I said I needed his help. Needed him to come over.
Hs bro ended up taking a work truck, I cant recall if he and his girlfriend went to the college leaders house that night, I believe they did. And they then left town.
This was right before our wedding, and caused a big family rift between my H and his Mom and brother. His Mother was angry also, And his brother went to live with Mom with his girlfriend. They were both supposed to be in our wedding. But there was so much animosity going on. I found out later on at one point the Hs mother called our pastor and asked him if he was brainwashing her son.
Hs mom called my Mom with her concerns. She did not want to come to our wedding, but my Mom talked her into going saying "This is a once in a lifetime experience, you will regret it if you miss it, just put it all aside for one day" and Hs mom came. And so did his brother and girlfriend. It was a little awkward. But it was nice to have them all there.
My H and his brother had a strained relationship from their on out. His bro would call to talk brother talk, BS about cars n stuff. And H would bring up his faith and where was he with God. His brother would say "Fuck you, why cant you just be my brother!" and hang up.
I sat there one night in our apartment. I was pregnant and H was on the edge of the bed crying. He said to me "Sparkler? Am I doing something wrong? I just want to see my brother in heaven with me. Why do I keep doing this?"
I sat with him and told him it was ok. If this is what he felt God leading him to do then he should do it. I was in the same mindset as H, although i didnt act out as extreme.
My Hs brother died several months later. A car accident.
He was fatally wounded, to the brain, And on life support.
The night he got the call from his Mom. We had just gone to the mall, walking to help stimulate contractions. I was due this very week.
So the Hs mom said "Bro has been in a car accident. I dont know how bad, Im going to the hospital" and hung up. H looked at me and said "My brother is dead"
He didnt know, he just said it.
I sat there with him briefly, he cried. Then he got up to pack his things to drive back home, which was 4 hrs. I was not going to go because of the pregnancy. But at last minute I couldnt bare him to go alone and told him, what the heck? We are going to hospital, what better place for me to feel secure if I go into labor.
H had vehicle trouble, then his Gpa lent a truck with vehicle trouble. So our Youth Pastor lent us his brand new Camaro, just gave us the keys and said "Its Gods car, not mine, take it" and let us take it up north for several days.
A guy from church drove out with us.
We all sat around his hosptial bed. Physically the bro looked great on the outside. It was internal. They said his brain was like a shaken egg inside.
He still had a gag reflex so they could not pronounce him dead. Later on it was up to the family to leave him on life support or not.
When we first walked into the hospital room. Bros girlfriend sat beside the bed, she was the only one in the room, and there she was holding a bible reading. ( Oh man Im crying now just remembering that picture of her in my head) I had shared Christ with her when she lived in town with us, and she later after we spoke prayed and asked God into her life.
So we all hugged. We all prayed together, along with our friend who drove out.
We spent several days there, watching family members come to say goodbye.
And they took him off life support. I was not there, but sleeping in a hotel nearby. But H and the bros girlfriend sat beside his bed as he took his last breaths on his own.
And then even after his death, I thought For a period of time that God had taken him because of his Sin life style. Im ashamed to admit my judgementalness back then.
Its saddening how things happened. All the time of family love, brotherly love, Judgement. Life is too short.
I have changed so much, its so hard to undo so much of my old thought process about God. Im nothing like I was. Im just trying to find the balance now. I probably went way off on the other end. I walked out of my pastors office, Stood up to a Christian counselor and walked out, and left my church. I stopped going to church for about a year. This was not a result of the Hs brothers death. This came many years later. It came about when I started to use my own mind and question authority figures who dictated to us how to live.
So its still hard for me. Trying to find my way back to a healthy walk with God.
By the way Bros girlfriend married a Christian man, has 2 children and is doing wonderful.
I came in to the computer tonight and thought to myself about how I have spent a lot of time working on certain areas of myself personally. Ive educated myself about abuse, attend support groups and a recovery bible study. Ive started to exercise and take care of my body. Taking the dance class, working a job , raising kids and trying to be a good Mom.
I met with the group leader today for one on one. And he said to me "The spiritual conflict that you have going on in you, I have dealt with also long ago." I was shocked he had a similar experience as myself. THen he said "This is an issue you have to make peace with for yourself, nobody else can do it"
So as I sat here tonight. I thought "What can I do for this spiritual turmoil? It seems I pray, I go to church, I talk to Christians, I read my bible now and them and its just feels so ancient. Or I read verses Im so familiar with its like Yeah Yeah I know what it says, but why cant I live that?
So "Spiritual Retreat" came to my mind as I sat here.
Ive heard often of people taking retreats, sometimes alone even. To the wilderness, or the mountains, to another country. To go on a time of searching and talking to God. Sure I have been on womens church retreats in the past, But its still very much involved with others. Im talking more intimate one on one time, with no distractions of worldly things, A place where I can calm my spirit and free my mind. I do not know if it will give me this peace I desire. But its just something that came to mind. Now just how do I go about doing something like this?