Ahhh peace, the house is somewhat clean, lights are dim, just the flicker of Christmas lights on the tree. I have one of those rotating things that hooks into the christmas lights and makes the ornaments spin. So a shiny glass santa in a airplane twirls around on the tree.
I still cant find my christmas CDS! Grrr I need the music in the air.
Feels a lil better having the house nice, I got a lot done before I got too tired. I pass out so easy in the eves nowadays. No insomnia probs at my house!
Something was shared with me tonight at group. I really liked it.
We talked about FORGIVING.
Mainly what is it we havent forgiven OURSELVES for.
He called on me as the second person. Gave us 5 min to reflect in silence then went thru the group.
I shared that I am upset at myself for my decisions, my choices, for not having known better, that with all Ive gone thru that Id be smarter than this, seems the more I learn, the less I know.
He responded. You are learning about RECOGNIZING.
I have started to feel stupid at times. From words said. Like why dont I get it? Whats wrong with me? Im not intelligent enough.
He said that is NOT what its about. That I am smart.
When one operates under FEAR.
When one learns to live with ABUSE
They use survival, preservation means. Stress protection from themselves.
YOU CANT MAKE SENSE OF ABUSE, because there is no logic to it.
There is no clarity.
Which is why I get lost and confused. You cant make sense of it.
He gave me a example
Its like seeing the light at the end of a tunnel. You head toward the light. You see the tracks, you hear the roaring of a train, but since you cant actually see a TRAIN, you tell yourself, No its jus the gorgeous light at the end of the tunnel, and you keep moving forward. Denying, not seeing all the signs around you.
Ah yes, this spoke to me well.
PRACTICE he said. You are learning to recognize. Practice writing down the signs on paper, role play with yourself, Prepare yourself.
I love the group.
Someone brought a puppy last week, the whole group has been passing the pup around, cuddling it in their arms, holding it to their chest, kissing it. Just watching the amazingness of this little pup on the group full of people. The woman brought the pup again, and another woman brought her older dog. Hands touching, reaching, wanting to hold, wanting the leash. I feel a lil distant. I dont reach out like they do, so many just wanting so badly to hug the doggies. I love dogs, have my own. I am allergic. I have a dog but hes outside, but I get rashes from dog saliva, weird eh? They lick me, I get a rash.
Now if someone had a pet rat Id be the first to want to hold it. Yeah So girlish isnt it?
I love rats. I really need to get another, Havent had one in many years. They make wonderful loving pets if you can get over the tail.
Life is better this eve, I feel some peace. Its nice. Later