I had shared a lot and walked thru a lot of things Im writing about. I walked the past from the start of the relationship to the time the affairs happened.
I went thru each one...
Each unhealthy step, each thing I felt torn and guilt over and wrestled with God about, yet he didnt seem to mind.
He listened to each example.
I was crying, and I had to take breaths now and then and compose myself. It was like I was letting off so much pain. Im starting to have my eyes tear up just thinking about it.
He agreed with what I said. He listened. He didnt get angry at me. He admitted to treating me poorly and his behavior.
He later on said "S? Remember the nite you showed up at my place? When we sat together and sang praise songs at the table and how cool that was?"
I remember this night really well. It was funny he mentioned it cause I had been dwelling over it myself.
See at year 3 of dating I broke up with my H. He was working at a camp during the summer for weeks at a time. I was very dependent upon him emotionally. I would cry for about 3 days after he would leave, he would get a weekend break then leave once again for another 3 weeks.
On the weekend breaks we fooled around sexually. And once he left I felt used, guilty, upset at myself once again for not saying No. Praying to God that I was sorry. After the 3 days of crying passed I did better in being without him, it seemed like those breaks always sunk me right back into the pattern again.
I was a Nanny for 2 children and one of the places I took the kids to often for the day, well a guy there began to hit on me. I immdiatley shot him down. I did this repeatly, seriously saying to his friends even "Not interested, have a boyfriend" and kept walking.
I guess the persistence on this guys part paid off finally. He got my attn by making sure me and one of the kids I took care of won free admission so we would once again return. He smiled that day as I walked out and said "You better come again ok?"
We started to chat briefly. Then one night I asked my girlfriend (yeah the same one who said "H is a Christian" later "Break up with him" Now she went with me to dinner with this guy. She was puzzled as to why I wanted to go to dinner with this guy. I had a boyfriend? And I so sneakingly made it look like a attempt to go out and discuss GOD for the evening thing.
I wanted to see what this guy was like, but I didnt want to be alone.
I would see the guy often, just fun smiley chit chat and flirting. H was working at camp. I wasnt having to deal with the sexual guilt, because he wasnt around, and I started to feel ok with myself.
I had started to confide in this guy what was going on with "My boyfriend" and my beliefs.
One night he and I were talking in his car. He was driving me home from somewhere, and we kissed that night.
I knew that if I felt I wanted to kiss another man, it wasnt cool to have a boyfriend. So that very night my H called me from the camp and I broke things off with him. He was devastated and crying, asking me why.
I was feeling good and free. My H was a wreck. Couldnt function at the camp he was working at in the mountains and left his job there.
He came back and and there started a lot of unhealthy behavior.
First was showing up at the guys place. I was there with the guy one evening. I never had more then a kiss with that guy the whole time I dated him. It was about midnight and my H just sat outside, hand on his truck horn non stop. I was to scared to come out. Me and the guy just sat there peeking thru the blinds, I was saying to myself "H please go away, please please stop" He finally did, and placed a note on my car and left"
This was the "Im sick Im going to the hospital" note. It was manipulation. I couldnt see it then. The guy even said "You should go see him" SO I went to the hospital, there he was sitting in the waiting room. I dont recall much else. But we walked out together. He never saw a Dr. I came to him though and gave sympathy.
After that he showed up at the guys work one day. And squeeled his tires thru the parking lot. It was just me, the guy, and a coworker of his, it was after hours, and we were just hanging out talking. H came walking in and stood there in the doorway and said "HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN!"
I was so HIGHLY insulted that he said such a thing. He was questioning my commitment to God. I walked over and said "Get out" and I was firm and serious. What he said was not cool and in front of others, was humiliating. He stormed out squeeling his tires again. The guys just laughed, "What an ass" one said.
When I left the guys work and headed home I went thru a backroad to the house. The H then came up along side me. I was annoyed and just ignored him. He pulled in front of me , blocking the st sideways. And came over to me. He was acting very Sorry and apologetic, saying he needed to talk to me. I said to him "Do you think doing this sort of thing makes me want to talk to you????" and I must have backed out or something but immediatly left and went home.
I had also been visiting another male friend of ours, a mutual friend to H and I. And we hooked up briefly. H came by there once, and punched his windshield with his fist shattering it so upset I was there with this guy.
Final event. Driving home again. This time my H came down the road, with 2 girls and a guy in his truck. I was pissed. I didnt wanna see him with women, what was he doing? So I kept driving ignoring him, he followed me again, motioning to me. Finally I pulled over. I was mad and pissed "What do you want???" H said " I have some people with me, they know about this guy you are seeing, I think you might want to hear this" So now my curiosity was peaked. I agreed to go to his place. And listen. I heard some bad stuff about this guy. It honestly scared me. And I didnt want to date the guy any longer. I went over that day, got a few of my CDs I let him listen to, and left, no explanation. That was it.
So whats this have to do with the H and I singing praise songs together?
That night I came to his place.
My H was shocked to see me , he said "I was finally giving up, I decided today to Let you Go, and you show up here at my door"
We both took it to be GOD bringing us back together.
So God works by way of man acting obsessed about a woman, and woman returning to obsessed man because she is scared of other guy and doesnt know how to be alone without a boyfriend?
That isnt God.
We sang songs that night to God, I think in my own mind it was my way of trying to make it appear "Godlike" convince myself this was the right thing to do. If I attached God to it somehow, how could it be wrong?
Am I showing a pattern here? This is a repeat process of our relationship.
I said to my H on the phone the other night. "Do you know why I broke up with you for that guy?"
NO he said
I said "It was because I felt so guilty about having sex with you. I finally had a break from it all, and I started telling this guy about it, I never slept with or got involved physically with that guy"
Then when he said how wonderful that night was and us singing together and how God worked, cause he Let me Go and God brought me back to him.
I said the words
"THAT WAS NOT GOD"
He did not take that well, and said he had to go. And hung up.
Ok another break, more later on